Tag Archives: victim

Powerless Victim to Powerful Woman

An Overworked, Underpaid Failure

I remember the days where I was completely lost in my previous graphic design business and as a third partner in another company which wasn’t turning a profit—in those days, I was dealing with my abusive marriage. During a period of several months when we were separated, I focused on work and was putting in anywhere from 8 to 16 hours a day, and making about 500 bucks a month. Seriously.

What was wrong? Oh so many things I’ve learned since then!

Here are some of the big factors keeping me down, broke, over-worked, and in a seemingly endless cycle of failed efforts:

  1. I was a victim to my lack of support, mentor-ship, and knowledge in how to create a successful business (much less two of them at the same time) from scratch.
  2. I was a victim to my hard-wired internal belief system, which told me I didn’t matter and I wasn’t worth money or love.
  3. I was a victim to my disbelief that I could make money as a designer, even though almost every single client absolutely loved what I provided for them.
  4. I was a victim to the other partners in the company and their own blocks and understanding. (By the way, they were both fantastic and skilled people—we were just all so green in the venture, it just wasn’t happening fast enough.)
  5. I was a victim to the mindset that there is never enough, and the economy determines my wealth.
  6. I was a victim to the praise of “hard work” rather than smart work.
  7. I was a victim to the rut I had gotten into where I had lost all sense of joy, adventure, peace of any kind, and hope. I had no idea what I could possibly enjoy again.
  8. I was a victim to my negative self-talk and bad feelings toward myself, keeping me in a downward spiral of self-fulfilling prophesy.
  9. I was a victim not only to the direct actions of my abusive husband, but also to the value I put onto my his behavior and words.
  10. I was a victim to the concept of putting others first, the “Law of Sacrifice,” and God’s healing to the unreasonable extent that I thought I was special in being the one who saw all of my ex’s sides and there were so many ways it seemed I was helping him. I valued “endure to the end” far too much.

Or I could just say—I was a victim!

30-Days from Decision to Breakthrough

Within a few years, after some improvement, a new business acquisition, and some more income, but still not quite enough, I finally came to the point that pushed me to challenge myself for a breakthrough. That’s a story for another time, but the crux of it was that I made a firm decision to find out if I could actually change my circumstances and within 30 days, everything changed!

I tripled my income (to an amount I had never made in a single month before!), and I was suddenly flooded with self-awareness and respect—for the first time I really knew that I mattered and had power in my life! All of that helped me make the decision to leave my husband once and for all (I was safe to do so) that same month.

There were several key elements that created my breakthrough, but the one that encompasses all the rest was that I decided to value this above everything else…

The amount of personal power you have in your life is directly proportionate to the amount of personal responsibility you are willing to take for everything in your life.

This doesn’t mean I’m to blame for everything (or anything, for that matter, and certainly not for the choices of other people!), but it did mean I was no longer willing to be a victim to anything, not another person, not external circumstances, not even myself.

It’s been an amazing journey since then, full of learning, expanding, growing, and I’ve been grateful for the opportunity to help others take their power back as well, through both my kung fu school and personal development coaching programs.

Just One Shift to Change Powerless to Power-FULL!

If you could make one magical shift today that would change your life, start taking personal responsibility for everything. (Again, I can’t iterate enough—it’s not about blame, shame, guilt, or fault, it’s about going from being powerless to powerful!)

If you have a result you don’t want, realize it’s up to you to change it. If there is something outside of your control, either find a new solution or change your reaction to it. There is always something you can take upon yourself to improve your situation!

 


 

Attn: Ladies who don’t want to be victims and do want to embrace their kick-ass life…

If you are a woman in the Colorado Springs area and you relate to or are intrigued by something in this post, I invite you to join me at our next Women’s SELF – Defense – Confidence – Love Workshop.

It’s more than a self-defense workshop, and more than a personal development course! Get more information and upcoming dates at KungFuColoradoSprings.com/self-defense.

Don’t Get Mad, Get Empathy

When Being Yourself Hurts…

About three years ago I introduced my BFF to my favorite food, Indian buffet and since then, we have gone almost every week, with some exceptions.

Two weeks ago, we were sharing stories of struggle and triumph over vegetable korma and naan bread, then I said something that set him off.

To be clear, him “getting set of” just means he got on the defensive and said something that hurt my feelings. He doesn’t attack me verbally or otherwise, and if we get heated, he never crosses a line into name-calling, crazy accusations, or things he can’t take back. It’s pretty mild. It hurts, like any misunderstanding between friends, but we fix it and it’s over.

In the moment, though, it feels crappy, hurtful, mean, and I wonder if I can really trust him with my true self and my feelings.

We weren’t getting anywhere so we stopped talking and I wiped my tears and got up to get more food. When I returned, he told me why he thought he was upset. I understood his reasoning, but it didn’t compute with my reality and how hurtful what he had said to me really was, so I disagreed.

The Filter of “The Book of Law”

Then I remembered something I’ve been helping my clients become more aware of within themselves in order to better their own experiences in life…

Every person thinks, speaks, and acts based on their own filter created by the “Book of Law,” as Don Miguel Ruiz calls it in “The 4 Agreements,” that was programmed into them as a child and reinforced through the fact that every experience must validate that rule book, even if in your mind you know there is another perspective.

I looked at my friend’s handsome, uncharacteristically somber face and quickly gathered some facts I know about him in order to imagine what filter he may have been experiencing my original statement through.

Instantly, I was snapped out of my own hurt feelings and gained empathy for him. Whether I was right or wrong in my “guess” about why it bothered him so much didn’t matter, because I had come up with a scenario in which I could actually understand why he would react and in turn hurt my feelings.

(Variations of this skill can also be used to have empathy for an abuser, which kept me stuck in a harmful marriage—the key is to know when to use it and know when to walk away for the greater good. That is a topic for another time. To be clear, this is not an abusive situation, this is a misunderstanding among friends—no two people are coming from exactly the same perspective, so these things happen!)

I asked him, “When I said X, did it feel like Y to you? Is that why it bothered you?”

He thought for half a second, and confirmed.

I asked, “Okay, so you’re not upset I brought it up, it’s more in the way I said it, and had I said it this other way it would have felt different to you?”

He agreed again.

2-for-2—It Works Again

Earlier this week, I was talking to a family member who knows some private but pertinent information that led to my entire life turning upside-down. I am hurt and can’t understand why this person isn’t as affected by this information as I was. They are supportive of me, but clearly can’t understand where I’m coming from.

I remembered I had just had a great experience turning my hurt feelings around with my BFF, so I tried it again.

I merely took a moment to realize from that person’s perspective, they simply cannot afford to imagine a piece of information that conflicts with other information they have, which they firmly believe through undeniable means.

I was actually in that exact same boat, with the same former information, and with my own undeniable reasons to stick with it. However, when the new information was presented to me, it came directly from a person involved, a friend of mine… This personal connection FORCED me to look at the information, even though it created a conflict of two “truths” that can’t coexist, which fueled a living hell for me for a time.

My family member wasn’t told directly by my friend. They don’t even know my friend. So to my family member, it’s far enough removed they can ignore it. I can’t.

I can, however, put aside my own hurt feelings about my family member, because I understand their perspective—I would have reacted the exact same way just a few years ago.

Stepping into their “Book of Law filter” helped me to realize that it’s not about me, or them slighting me, or them not understanding me… It’s about them not being able to fathom this new information that conflicts with other information they would live and die for. And that’s it. No need for me to be hurt.

Even if I’m ever wrong in these filters I’m trying to uncover, the act of trying to come up with why their perspective would make sense, even if I still disagree, makes me feel better, and turns my sadness, pain, or anger into empathy and I’m over it!

It is that simple. At the very least it helps.

We talked more about the Book of Law in the context of being your own, authentic, real self without fear of judgment of others recently—download the Shine Without Fear audio here.

And if you’ve been wanting to change your Book of Law filter so you can make some big leaps, you might be looking for my Inner Circle: Ultimate Breakthrough program.

 

 

Eliminate Unnecessary Burdens through Two Questions

I got 30,999 problems, but you won’t be one…

30,999 unread emails, that is…

I am (pretty) good at scanning through my inbox of newsletters and marketing for businesses I still want to receive, even if I rarely open them, to find and read your emails, but I am not good at deleting those newsletters/marketing emails when I’m done or not interested in even opening them!

Subpar Solution to Perfectionism

I used to be super stressed out by the number at the top. I’m a perfectionist who was so overwhelmed by the ideal, ended up living in subpar messes. It was like if I couldn’t do it to perfection, why try?
That’s not a great approach! I have been slowly over time letting go of perfectionist ideals, thus enabling myself to raise my levels to a “normal” standard of excellence. I’m still working on this in some areas, but overall it has been a wonderful process to get out of extremes and into the healthy zone.

Does it REALLY Matter?

In this email scenario—who really cares if there are thousands of emails in my inbox? Deleting them can feel like a burden lifted, but why feel like having them there is a burden in the first place?
We have enough burdens that really do need attention, to make every other little thing such a cause for stress!
 
I will take some down time watching a movie to mass-delete by sender (a handy feature!) but only because I want to, and not because I HAVE to. It’s no longer driving me crazy. Why should it?
 
There is something to be said for keeping perspective on what really does and does not matter.
 
I hope to take what I learned here in seeing more clearly, letting go, and keep improving my priorities elsewhere in my life to eliminate unnecessary burdens, so I can focus on what really does need attention!

Identifying Unnecessary Burdens

It only takes a clear-headed moment and honesty to identify what really does or does not matter. Ask yourself:
  • Is the actual thing hurting me (or someone else), or is it just my perception around that thing that is hurting me?
  • If I don’t handle/change/address this, what will happen?

Just stop for a second. Relax. Get a clear head and ask those two questions. Be ultra honest in your answers and watch unnecessary burdens drop like flies.

4 Keys to Learning to Trust Again

“Trust” has come up a lot lately, with clients, students, prospects, and with myself.

For example, one client recently had to face the fact she didn’t trust she could make major changes in her life, her health, her family, friend, and associate relationships, and in her business.

One student admitted she has a go-to response of skepticism and wondering what someone’s ulterior motive is.

One of my Periscope followers didn’t trust there could be a result other than failure if she tried to do something big, new, and powerful in her life.

Trust is “photobombing” my mind as I have some things going on in my life that are forcing me to face where I stand with it.

Does anyone not have trust issues? Has anyone not had their trust broken?

Romantic Trust Issues Are Like Every Other Trust Issue

Probably the biggest area for trust with me right now is with men and potential romantic interests.

A couple of months ago, I started receiving some male attention from about three people out of the blue in the same week. One I thought was platonic. One I thought was interested in me. One I had no idea if he was interested or not. It didn’t matter if I knew the motivation, just the idea that I was attracting new male attention of any kind was too much for me.

I literally laid in bed for two days depressed—I couldn’t handle the fear it evoked. Even with all of the personal development work I have done, it still got to me.

This is the power of broken trust when it is still lingering.

Remember, not that long ago, I was in a marriage with a guy who displayed multiple personality-type behavior—I quit counting at 150 personas, and one time he told me he was “more aware of it” than he let on, which means possibly HE, not some obscure personality sexually assaulted me, HE told me I was destroying him while in the next breath through another “personality” HE begged me to never give up on him, not to mention the other incidences which were already considered to have been done by the “main personality” anyway—he choked me, he cheated on me, he used me in humiliating scenarios in texts with other women, and he manipulated me.

…Until I had a major breakthrough and got out of that bizarre and twisted situation.

Even though I got out, the effects of having been there too long (even having been there at all) were in me. It was too late, I was going to have to deal with them. Some, like certain types of abuse triggers, didn’t even start coming up until more recently.

Since then, I’ve had a couple of relationships where I gained a renewed view of men, and learned a lot about myself. For one, I am capable of trusting.

The Desire to Trust vs. the Need to Justify the Pain

One of those relationships was with an amazing guy who treated me with great respect. Fights (really just disagreements and discussions) NEVER crossed lines, and I really appreciated rediscovering that not all men were abusive monsters.

Even so, after having been mistreated, cheated on and lied to so extensively, I periodically found myself wanting to sneak a peak at his phone so I could know for sure he was not acting inappropriately. I can honestly say, and he knows this as well, in my effort to be honest and transparent, that I never once gave in to that temptation. He never gave me any red flags. I had to trust that. He didn’t hide anything, he didn’t ever act suspicious, and he loved me.

While all of that helped tremendously, ultimately, my desire to have a healthy relationship built on trust was stronger than my need to have my pained past run the show. That right there is the hardest part and the first key.

Be Okay with Being Wrong

Do I know FOR SURE he didn’t do anything I would find questionable or inappropriate? No. But I have to trust in what I know of his character and how well he treated me, even if someday I find out I was wrong.

How can I be okay with that?

Because there is no other way.

This is the next key—be okay with being wrong. You can’t know everything. You have to trust. Trust your belief system, trust your business partners, trust your family and friends. Place trust where you need, and know that someday one (or more) of those may fail you, and be okay with that too.

Operate from the Empowered Place of “Choice”

Not too long ago, I attracted the attention of another man. This is coming up for me daily. His big thing is “being present” which is great, because it helps me take his lead and be more open and present as well. Every day I have to think about who I am, what I want, and eliminate the what ifs.

What if he’s manipulating me too? What if he’s got an ulterior motive? What if I’m stupid for trusting? What if? What if? What if?

I defer back to my desire to have something healthy and trust. I defer back to my peace with being wrong.

So, what if I do find out my fears are true? What if he is trying to manipulate me or does have an ulterior motive? What if I feel like an idiot for not catching on sooner?

Or what if it simply ends today with no explanation?

I don’t know what I don’t know. How can I? I am okay with that.

In any case, I can leave and deal with it. I’ll be sad for a minute then move on because I am approaching this from an empowered place of choice, rather than a needy place of trying to get him to fill a void within me.

If I want to be open to any healthy possibilities with him or anyone else, I have to trust. I have to trust my intuition, and the absence of red flags thus far. I have to be honest with myself if any concerns come up.

That’s trust in relationships, and the same exact keys apply in all other areas.

Trusting When Sales or MLMs are Involved

Just yesterday, an acquaintance on Facebook from high school messaged me with a link to an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing company) out of the blue.

How would you have reacted? Ignore it? Say, “No thanks, I’m not interested”? Roll your eyes and complain to other friends about the annoyances of people trying to sell you MLM products, services, and business opportunities?

I get it, my very first reaction was annoyed, but then I stepped back and thought, “No, she is a real person and so am I. I am going to treat her like a real person.” It only took an instant for that thought to come in and my decision to act on it changed everything within me on a dime. Already my own experience was better because I was suddenly not annoyed anymore. I made it about her and not me.

I was familiar with this particular MLM and I said something in all honestly to how I think it’s a great thing and cool for her to be spreading the word. We had a little conversation and she ended up asking me for tips, which surprised me. I told her I have a lot of tips for people trying to stretch and grow themselves and referred her to a free offering on my coaching web site, and when she noticed I am a DVSA survivor, she spoke up with gratitude about that as well.

In the end, I felt good that I attempted to live up to my purpose in life to bless others, even in the most basic sense of simply being kind.

A similar thing happened last week with another person. I had also reacted to her outreach person to person and ended up offering to interview her on Periscope since she’s local. I don’t know if she will take me up on that or not, but she is passionate about her product, its results and helping people, so that’s a great thing, right?! Of course it is.

My experience (see that—MY experience… we are each in control of how we experience circumstances, situations, and others) with people in MLMs is so much more pleasurable because I am being honest and treating them like real people. It takes the pressure off both of us.

I am not worried in the least about them “selling me” because, hey, we’re just having a conversation. I won’t buy or do anything I don’t want because I’m operating from that “empowered by choice” place, and I feel great, and they probably do to, having me not bring in preconceived notions (i.e. trust issues) about what they might be doing.

Start Learning to Trust Again

If you relate to these examples around trust or to the client, student, or follower examples from the opening, then set aside a little bit of time tonight.

Ask yourself these questions, then decide to embody the keys, summarized below.

  1. Why you are reacting this way?
  2. What benefit are you getting from not trusting?
    (Do not skip this one… no matter how awful something is, if we are continuing to allow it, it is because of some subconscious benefit to us, even if that benefit is something like “to keep me safe from getting hurt again” or “to keep me from success which is scarier to me than failure.”)
  3. What negative consequences are you experiencing from not trusting?
  4. Why you are willing to keep not trusting?
  5. What possibilities open up to you if you decide to trust?
    (Regardless of whether you later discover you were wrong.)

If you were really honest with yourself, I bet you discovered some insight you either didn’t know or wouldn’t admit prior to now. If not, ask yourself again or email me (Tanisha@TanishaMartin.com) to schedule a complimentary 15 minute session with me and I’ll help you raise your self-awareness.

Now what?

Take these keys to heart and reawaken your ability to trust:

  1. The desire to be healthy and trusting has to be stronger than the pain of the past.
  2. Be okay with being wrong.
  3. Operate from an empowered place of choice.
    (Rather than a place of needing to be filled. Rather than from a victim place of what others might do to you, whether break your heart or “try to sell” you.)
  4. Be honest with yourself.

If you are ready to really trust again, then this is the perfect time for you to get some extra support from me. My next Inner Circle coaching program starts soon, and you can still get the early bird rate. Check it out and register here: TanishaMartin.com/innercircle.

Your Last Failure Holds a Secret

Your Next Goal is at Risk

You have a goal. Maybe you even have a clear plan to achieve that goal.

You’re on track, but you aren’t aware of what is lurking about to pounce and stop you dead in your tracks.

If you are human, you have both achieved goals and failed at achieving goals. Your goals are at risk of failure each and every time, so how will you determine this one will make it?

Each time you set out to accomplish something new, you hope it will work out. There are a lot of factors that determine its viability from the get-go:

  • True desire
  • Your goal is in harmony with your authentic self, your purpose, and the laws of the Universe
  • Your 100% decision vs. 99% or less
  • Etc.

For today’s topic, let’s assume all of these other factors are green lights—your desire is true, the goal is in harmony with your authentic self, your purpose, and the laws of the Universe, and you have indeed made 100% decision.

With all of those in prime position for success, the next factor to address is the secret your last failure holds.

One of my clients was in the middle of a huge upheaval in her life due to a move, which left her staying with family out of state, running her business out of boxes in her car, traveling for weeks at a time across the country, until she finally settled into her final destination, yet another state away. That’s transferring from state A to B to C over several months, while traveling the country in between.

It’s hard enough to run a business staying put, much less trying to stay on top of everything while being transient!

She had a goal to continue running and growing her business (indicated by specific benchmarks) while adapting to her life changes during this time, but she ended up experiencing intense struggle, stress, frustration, and distraction instead.

What did your last failure look like? It could be small with minor consequences or massive with critical, life-changing consequences. Either way, there are principles at work and clues that can change your world.

Why Did You Stop?

What caused that last failure? In more specific terms, what made you stop? Why did you stop?

I learned this approach from my favorite coach, David Neagle, and have found it critical to taking that next piece of power back into my and my clients’ lives.

For the client I mentioned, we took a look at her goal that was being put on the back burner, and why she stopped.

Her reasons were that XYZ problems and tasks had kept coming up. Every time she did what she was supposed to do, for example change her address with the post office as well as with a specific company, something would still go wrong, and she didn’t receive an important shipment before she had to leave on another business trip.

She felt powerless and completely stressed out as she checked items off her to-do list, just to have them pop up again, and interrupt her business and life in the process. She kept having to handle these issues, and did so inefficiently at that, while the rest of her business suffered.

In analyzing how these instances made her stop, we saw that she easily fell victim to the choices of others and gave in to the resulting struggle. This related back to her “control freak” nature, and the perpetual evidence that she must keep control at all times or else things “break.”

Another evidence of that operating program was when a major mistake happened that she knew was 100% her doing. In this case, she was easily able to face it and fix it, as opposed to the constant issues that were caused by third party involvement.

Can you see how her core, subconscious belief was dictating her experience of easily getting a solution in some cases versus struggling with stress and frustration in others?

Our subconscious serves to prove its beliefs. That is what we are “fighting” when we are trying to change our experiences and improve our circumstances.

Instead of fighting it, we understand that it’s only trying to preserve us, and we work to change that core belief into one more suited to serve us.

In recognizing her subconscious program which determined the point where she “stopped” moving forward, we were able to approach her challenges from empowerment instead of powerlessness, thus begin to change her experience. She was able to move from struggle, to having just another item on her to-do list to handle without the distracting stress and emotions.

Unlocking Your Failure’s Secret

To achieve your own goal, here are the steps to take before your next goal’s risk appears, before it starts to fall apart:

  1. Identify your last failed goal.
  2. Ask yourself, “What made me stop? Why did I stop?”
  3. Identify your responsibility. Whether those answers have to do with you directly or third parties and external circumstances out of your control, identify where you actually did have power in each and every case.
  4. Identify what core belief you are operating from based on the clues.
  5. Determine what the real truth is. (In my client’s case, she had to determine that we truly can’t control everything, but we can take our power back in everything and more effectively handle hurdles as they come.)
  6. Give yourself a new experience. (In my client’s case, she had to continue to relinquish control, and learn to consciously recognize when it worked out wonderfully. She then began to let the new evidence sink in, and let the struggle and frustration become empowerment to handle challenges when they arise.)

When you choose to stay victim to reasons (excuses) for failure, you choose to stay disempowered, upset, confused, and it interrupts you from adapting to the changes you want to make.

When you draw on the clues from past failures, you empower yourself to never let them stop you again.

I will gladly help you through this process via my private coaching or group coaching programs.

Next step—plan your celebration when you achieve that next big goal!