Tag Archives: subconscious

Unconditional Love For Everyone But You?

Why is it so easy to love our best friend, our child, or our pet unconditionally, but not ourselves?

When they are going through a hard time, we support them endlessly and we feel with such certainty they can get through it. We know without a doubt they are worth their own effort to overcome challenges, and we want nothing less than for them to look in the mirror and realize how amazing they are.

This is easy for us. This is “Being a Friend 101.” This is a no-brainer, and it comes from our heart naturally.

If it is so easy to see how much worth they have, why is it so hard for us to recognize that same self-worth for ourselves? I mean, we are in fact the most important person in our own lives. We are the center of our own Universe (look around you—everywhere you go, you are at the center). You must be pretty important, as you are the only one who has power over your own choices, your growth, your mood, and your life experiences. Your potential for the incredible is limitless, unless you have given that power away through your doubts, disbelief, and even just a slightly diminished self-worth.

Conditioning happens.

It is completely understandable that you can see such unlimited potential and unconditional worthiness in others, but not in yourself, because it’s not exactly your fault. We have all been conditioned with certain self-views from our childhood when we had no filter to reject messages that were harmful to us. The resulting programs operate in the background of our lives, in our subconscious mind, until we become aware and then consciously take steps to change them.

Some of that conditioning comes from these ideas or experiences many have had:

  • It’s better to give than to receive. (How can there be a giver without a receiver? How can someone else enjoy giving to us, if we don’t know how to truly receive?)
  • Lose yourself to find yourself. (We just never get back to the “find yourself” part…)
  • The constant message that fulfilling our own desires is selfish or bad. (Don’t get me started… this is so messed up.)

These messages may have come through those words, or through experiences, for example: exploring the world around you and being criticized by a parent (i.e. being scolded for tracking mud in the house after exploring nature, etc.)

Once those messages were received, they were automatically accepted, because we were too young to filter or judge those messages as true or harmful. Ever after, our subconscious mind’s job is to run the program and find continuing evidence of its truth.

There is hope!


As the Universe’s wisdom would have it, as adults, we have the opportunity to consciously find and recognize new evidence that supports a more serving message! We collect evidence that can’t be denied and we don’t stop this effort until the subconscious is satisfied and the program changes.

This is how change occurs. It begins from within and works in tandem with external changes, results, and evidence.

When it comes to self-worth, frankly, it’s terrifying to actually believe we are worthy of ultimate, unconditional love at a soul level, not just in your mind or even in your heart, but deep into every fiber, facet, and morsel of your being that you are worth unconditional love. It’s understandable why many make progress, but don’t feel like they ever really achieve that level of love for themselves.

But it doesn’t have to end there.

Love Yourself Challenge

The ability is already within you and the method is in this post—evidence. Choose to see, find, create the evidence that tells you you are worth unconditional love, and you will begin to embody that in every area of your life.

What difference would that make in your life? How much better would you feel? How much more energy would you have to give to your kids, your significant other, your work, your recreation?

I challenge you to love yourself first and foremost every moment of today, and then extend that to tomorrow and extend that again for at least a week. Just try it without holding back, and see how wonderful the results are!

Get there faster with support.

You don’t even have to do it alone. Positive body image expert Lynleigh Chamberlain and I are hosting a FREE call tonight to share with you the exact steps to take to accomplish this specifically around your physical self-view and beauty. (Bonus—the steps are the same for any area of self-worth!)

Learn more and register here: TanishaMartin.com/loveyourbody

Your Last Failure Holds a Secret

Your Next Goal is at Risk

You have a goal. Maybe you even have a clear plan to achieve that goal.

You’re on track, but you aren’t aware of what is lurking about to pounce and stop you dead in your tracks.

If you are human, you have both achieved goals and failed at achieving goals. Your goals are at risk of failure each and every time, so how will you determine this one will make it?

Each time you set out to accomplish something new, you hope it will work out. There are a lot of factors that determine its viability from the get-go:

  • True desire
  • Your goal is in harmony with your authentic self, your purpose, and the laws of the Universe
  • Your 100% decision vs. 99% or less
  • Etc.

For today’s topic, let’s assume all of these other factors are green lights—your desire is true, the goal is in harmony with your authentic self, your purpose, and the laws of the Universe, and you have indeed made 100% decision.

With all of those in prime position for success, the next factor to address is the secret your last failure holds.

One of my clients was in the middle of a huge upheaval in her life due to a move, which left her staying with family out of state, running her business out of boxes in her car, traveling for weeks at a time across the country, until she finally settled into her final destination, yet another state away. That’s transferring from state A to B to C over several months, while traveling the country in between.

It’s hard enough to run a business staying put, much less trying to stay on top of everything while being transient!

She had a goal to continue running and growing her business (indicated by specific benchmarks) while adapting to her life changes during this time, but she ended up experiencing intense struggle, stress, frustration, and distraction instead.

What did your last failure look like? It could be small with minor consequences or massive with critical, life-changing consequences. Either way, there are principles at work and clues that can change your world.

Why Did You Stop?

What caused that last failure? In more specific terms, what made you stop? Why did you stop?

I learned this approach from my favorite coach, David Neagle, and have found it critical to taking that next piece of power back into my and my clients’ lives.

For the client I mentioned, we took a look at her goal that was being put on the back burner, and why she stopped.

Her reasons were that XYZ problems and tasks had kept coming up. Every time she did what she was supposed to do, for example change her address with the post office as well as with a specific company, something would still go wrong, and she didn’t receive an important shipment before she had to leave on another business trip.

She felt powerless and completely stressed out as she checked items off her to-do list, just to have them pop up again, and interrupt her business and life in the process. She kept having to handle these issues, and did so inefficiently at that, while the rest of her business suffered.

In analyzing how these instances made her stop, we saw that she easily fell victim to the choices of others and gave in to the resulting struggle. This related back to her “control freak” nature, and the perpetual evidence that she must keep control at all times or else things “break.”

Another evidence of that operating program was when a major mistake happened that she knew was 100% her doing. In this case, she was easily able to face it and fix it, as opposed to the constant issues that were caused by third party involvement.

Can you see how her core, subconscious belief was dictating her experience of easily getting a solution in some cases versus struggling with stress and frustration in others?

Our subconscious serves to prove its beliefs. That is what we are “fighting” when we are trying to change our experiences and improve our circumstances.

Instead of fighting it, we understand that it’s only trying to preserve us, and we work to change that core belief into one more suited to serve us.

In recognizing her subconscious program which determined the point where she “stopped” moving forward, we were able to approach her challenges from empowerment instead of powerlessness, thus begin to change her experience. She was able to move from struggle, to having just another item on her to-do list to handle without the distracting stress and emotions.

Unlocking Your Failure’s Secret

To achieve your own goal, here are the steps to take before your next goal’s risk appears, before it starts to fall apart:

  1. Identify your last failed goal.
  2. Ask yourself, “What made me stop? Why did I stop?”
  3. Identify your responsibility. Whether those answers have to do with you directly or third parties and external circumstances out of your control, identify where you actually did have power in each and every case.
  4. Identify what core belief you are operating from based on the clues.
  5. Determine what the real truth is. (In my client’s case, she had to determine that we truly can’t control everything, but we can take our power back in everything and more effectively handle hurdles as they come.)
  6. Give yourself a new experience. (In my client’s case, she had to continue to relinquish control, and learn to consciously recognize when it worked out wonderfully. She then began to let the new evidence sink in, and let the struggle and frustration become empowerment to handle challenges when they arise.)

When you choose to stay victim to reasons (excuses) for failure, you choose to stay disempowered, upset, confused, and it interrupts you from adapting to the changes you want to make.

When you draw on the clues from past failures, you empower yourself to never let them stop you again.

I will gladly help you through this process via my private coaching or group coaching programs.

Next step—plan your celebration when you achieve that next big goal!




You DON’T Need to Convince Them

They Deflated My Balloon. It Hurt.

In the after-“high” of the personal development, leadership, and business event I just attended this past weekend, I was sharing some of the breakthroughs and ups and downs of my journey with someone close to me who hadn’t attended. I expected them to see the value in my results and growth, but it surprised me when they instead decided to berate the path and my decisions, even in the face of the breakthroughs I had experienced. It’s obvious evidence to me, but something in them couldn’t see it. It was very hard for them to understand all I am doing and what it means for my life and my purpose by attending this event and using it to support developing myself into the person I need to be to accomplish my purpose.

At first I was shocked and hurt and my response was to argue to make my point clear, but we just kept going around and around, even though the base of their opinion was the same as the base of mine. That’s partly why it was so baffling to me! But as we got interrupted for a little while and I got some space from the conversation, I was able to ask myself, “Who do I need to BE to handle this better?” I realized I don’t need to convince this person. While I would love for them to receive the benefits I receive, if they aren’t open to it, I don’t need to convince them of it for their sake,  and I certainly don’t need to convince them of it for mine. It still stings a little, but I am exercising my own confidence and self-worth that I don’t need them to agree. I don’t need their validation to do what I know is right.

The Growth Process Inherently Includes Circumstances Trying to Stop You

I share this experience because I know when you are growing and starting to do things outside of what others are comfortable with, or outside of what they understand or are aware of, they will do everything they can to discourage you. Their discouragement will be very convincing. It may make you doubt yourself for a bit. Recognize that and come back to your empowerment within yourself!

Also understand that most often their discouraging words and actions are just a subconscious reaction, and not their intention. In fact, in most cases, they feel they are trying to help you not get hurt or take a risk or fail. They simply don’t have the awareness to see that everything you and anyone else wants (more life, growth, improvement) is outside of your comfort zone and past the fear that gets in the way. It’s just on the other side of that fear.

After a weekend like this, I am in the middle of my fear for the next step. This is normal at any level. But I’m better equipped to handling it than ever before because I know from experience that’s how growth works. I’ve been growing and practicing consistently. While we would all love to convince those who would discourage us and instead, have them fully in our corner, we most often just need to accept that it will not be the case, and be completely okay with it. Love them and accept their love for us as is. In some cases, we need to remove them from our lives if it’s toxic to us. This is not one of those cases for me. When you come to the place of peace about it and can look at it non-emotionally, then you can clearly determine if it’s a toxic case for you or not. (Sometimes if you can’t get to that non-emotional space with them, but you can with others, it’s an indication in and of itself that they are toxic for you, at least at this time of life.)

Either way, own what you know. If you’ve had breakthroughs, no one can take that away from you. You know the process. If you haven’t but you’re on your way, keep going. You will get there, and you will then have your own proof for yourself! And when it feels like no one is in your corner—remember I am. Above all truth is. If you know truth is, then all you need is your own validation for your growth path. You’ve got this!

When it Rains, it Pours—3 Easy Steps to Getting Back on Top

When it Rains, it Pours!

Oh, wow. Colorado is flooded out in many areas and to those who are seriously burdened by this natural disaster, and I send all the good energy and love out to you! For me it’s just a HUGE inconvenience…

The town home I just rented has flooded four times in a month, before I even had a chance to unpack. On top of which I’m congested and feeling crappy, which I HOPE has nothing to do with the mold that is down there. Not to mention I recently tweaked my Achilles’ tendon and have been hobbling in pain for a week—not very conducive to teaching kung fu or dealing with the flood. And these are coming in on the tail of some other frustrating situations…

Different day, different set of circumstances, but it seems like there’s always something. So what’s new? Don’t we periodically, or often (hopefully not frequently…) go through periods where when it rains it pours? (Sorry for the bad pun…) It stinks, but honestly, every time I go through a period of growth, circumstances like this try to keep me down. The key is to keep your chin up, laugh it off, and keep your vision in mind.

Responsibilities do get interrupted when I have to spend days up-leveling my Tetris skills to get my boxes and furniture to fit in nooks and crannies anywhere but the flooded rooms, instead of doing work I had planned. My fitness and kung fu are on temporary leave since I can’t even walk normally. Your circumstances might be different, but I’m sure you can relate!

The worst thing I could do is give up. Lay down and cry and say, “What’s the point in trying?” …Okay, I confess, I might have done that for a minute, but that’s it, then it’s right back up to the next task.

So how do you really deal with situations like this? It’s YOUR choice, and here are three choices that will serve you better than crying, getting frustrated, or giving up.

1. Learn From Your Reaction

Up above, I mentioned,

Different day, different set of circumstances, but it seems like there’s always something. So what’s new?

This was my initial reaction, and I know a lot of you will relate. Now think about this because this is really key… If I truly believe that statement, which I obviously do, or it wouldn’t have come so easily from my mind to my typing fingers, then it will keep being true for me over and over and over and over again. This should be major a-ha for any of you who nodded your head when your first read that statement. (For those of you who don’t feel that way, exactly, the principle here still applies to you. Keep reading…)

What we believe is what we create. What we focus on, like the phrase, “Same thing, different day” is what we get. This is Universal Law. So we need to reframe and reprogram our beliefs. Begin giving ourselves a new experience.

Here’s what you do:

  1. Notice your reaction to your circumstances. Your reaction is a clue to what you really believe deep inside. (Ex. Bad things happen to good people. I’m unlucky. I can’t get ahead…)
  2. For the negative aspects of your reaction, take a sheet of paper and write down how that negative view serves you. (For me in this example, my number one benefit from viewing my life that way is that it keeps me from getting on top of a few  key areas, which keeps me from expanding to where I really envision myself going. It keeps me small and “safe.”)
  3. (You may have positive reactions too, those are gold gems you get to apply to other areas of your life where you may have “forgotten” them.)
  4. Turn your negative into a positive.

2. Focus on the Silver Lining

Cliché? Sure. Key to getting back on top? Absolutely.

So the main level flooded. What can I do? Not a whole lot, so there’s no point in flooding my whole body and mind with negativity about it too. Instead, I focus on a horde of positive aspects around the situation, including some direct benefits.

  • I have a whole upper level in which to dwell for a while.
  • I can put off the huge job of unpacking. Awesome! That means I get to move up some work projects’ timelines then, at least the ones that don’t require some of the stuff I have packed LOL.
  • I don’t have to clean the main floor for a while.
  • I can get waited on hand and foot by my boyfriend since I can’t be walking all over the place doing stuff for myself, and he’s just great like that. ;)
  • The carpet that wasn’t in good shape is gone!

The more I think about the benefits, the more benefits I can think of! See how that works? I could seriously keep writing benefits, once I let my mind go there in the first place. Now I feel empowered instead of enslaved. I feel excited instead of worn down.

3. Embrace Solutions

Now that you have a positive outlook and are empowered, you can more effectively find your solutions. Can I literally stop the rain? Not really. Can I deal with it? Heck, yeah! The carpet got torn out after flood number three, so now it’s just a matter of time until the concrete dries enough to be sealed then finished. What will I do during that time? Take care of my work, other responsibilities, and there are some boxes I can still unpack in my office and bedroom, so I’ll focus on those. I’ll keep hobbling, and tomorrow I get to try out my new chiropractor, where he can check out my foot too. There are plenty of solutions when I get my head out of the stormy clouds.

What circumstances in your life are interrupting your flow? Go through these steps and get back on top, because YOU get to create your life. Enjoy it, and let me know how it goes!