Tag Archives: self-esteem

Four Words that Will Change Everything Part 1

When you were first dazzled by the modern Cinderella story in Pretty Woman as Vivian emerged from her dark and uncertain life to become a lady in love and temporally cared for, did the vision of triumphant love and authenticity end with the credits when you left the theater?

Were you stuck on the saving actions of Edward? How he saved her from her tough life, even if you recognized she saved him as well?

Or did you realize that it was her story and as her story, it was all about her saving herself?

It wasn’t Edward. It was Vivian.

It’s never the external that saves us, though as influential factors they are greatly appreciated. The external isn’t the cause of our plight or out saving, it’s the result. Our experiences with the external circumstances are the result.

The result of what?

Of us. Of our lessons to be learned, our view points, and most significantly, the result our internal programming and mindset.

When the change happens, when our lives turn around, when that miracle comes through, it’s always because of us. Because we were ready to change, to bring our true authentic self forward, to breakthrough, stretch, and grow, even if it scares the sh!t out of us.

We take in the support, the assistance, the divine guidance. We use those, and in the end, it works out because of us. Because of four little words Kit and Vivian told each other every time they went to work.

“Take care of you.”


This is the foundation of my new program, Design Your Empowered Life, where beauty and miracles infuse your individual goals and desires in your daily life as well as long-term goals. Confidence, energy, time, finances, and all that is necessary for joyful living are yours when you empower yourself with what you need and want. Take care of you and learn more here.

Hurry, because today (Friday, 10/14/16) is the last day for the special HelpFindKelsie.com discount.

Unconditional Love For Everyone But You?

Why is it so easy to love our best friend, our child, or our pet unconditionally, but not ourselves?

When they are going through a hard time, we support them endlessly and we feel with such certainty they can get through it. We know without a doubt they are worth their own effort to overcome challenges, and we want nothing less than for them to look in the mirror and realize how amazing they are.

This is easy for us. This is “Being a Friend 101.” This is a no-brainer, and it comes from our heart naturally.

If it is so easy to see how much worth they have, why is it so hard for us to recognize that same self-worth for ourselves? I mean, we are in fact the most important person in our own lives. We are the center of our own Universe (look around you—everywhere you go, you are at the center). You must be pretty important, as you are the only one who has power over your own choices, your growth, your mood, and your life experiences. Your potential for the incredible is limitless, unless you have given that power away through your doubts, disbelief, and even just a slightly diminished self-worth.

Conditioning happens.

It is completely understandable that you can see such unlimited potential and unconditional worthiness in others, but not in yourself, because it’s not exactly your fault. We have all been conditioned with certain self-views from our childhood when we had no filter to reject messages that were harmful to us. The resulting programs operate in the background of our lives, in our subconscious mind, until we become aware and then consciously take steps to change them.

Some of that conditioning comes from these ideas or experiences many have had:

  • It’s better to give than to receive. (How can there be a giver without a receiver? How can someone else enjoy giving to us, if we don’t know how to truly receive?)
  • Lose yourself to find yourself. (We just never get back to the “find yourself” part…)
  • The constant message that fulfilling our own desires is selfish or bad. (Don’t get me started… this is so messed up.)

These messages may have come through those words, or through experiences, for example: exploring the world around you and being criticized by a parent (i.e. being scolded for tracking mud in the house after exploring nature, etc.)

Once those messages were received, they were automatically accepted, because we were too young to filter or judge those messages as true or harmful. Ever after, our subconscious mind’s job is to run the program and find continuing evidence of its truth.

There is hope!

 

As the Universe’s wisdom would have it, as adults, we have the opportunity to consciously find and recognize new evidence that supports a more serving message! We collect evidence that can’t be denied and we don’t stop this effort until the subconscious is satisfied and the program changes.

This is how change occurs. It begins from within and works in tandem with external changes, results, and evidence.

When it comes to self-worth, frankly, it’s terrifying to actually believe we are worthy of ultimate, unconditional love at a soul level, not just in your mind or even in your heart, but deep into every fiber, facet, and morsel of your being that you are worth unconditional love. It’s understandable why many make progress, but don’t feel like they ever really achieve that level of love for themselves.

But it doesn’t have to end there.

Love Yourself Challenge

The ability is already within you and the method is in this post—evidence. Choose to see, find, create the evidence that tells you you are worth unconditional love, and you will begin to embody that in every area of your life.

What difference would that make in your life? How much better would you feel? How much more energy would you have to give to your kids, your significant other, your work, your recreation?

I challenge you to love yourself first and foremost every moment of today, and then extend that to tomorrow and extend that again for at least a week. Just try it without holding back, and see how wonderful the results are!

Get there faster with support.

You don’t even have to do it alone. Positive body image expert Lynleigh Chamberlain and I are hosting a FREE call tonight to share with you the exact steps to take to accomplish this specifically around your physical self-view and beauty. (Bonus—the steps are the same for any area of self-worth!)

Learn more and register here: TanishaMartin.com/loveyourbody

Got Fat?

I did. Like five years ago, and even though I tried to catch it and shed the weight, instead, I went up an additional pant size since then.

I’m not supposed to be fat. I’ve had a “thicker” body type, but I’ve never been this big. Compared to where I had always been in the past (when I oscillated between a 15-pound range or less, but never passed a certain point), I am fat.

My face doesn’t look like me, because I’m fat. It’s gotten older, ugly, and rarely pretty.

This isn’t what a Kung Fu Master should look like. I’m not living up to what I’m supposed to be.

Some might look at me and say (or think to themselves) I’m not as big as them, so I should shut up about it and quit making them feel worse about themselves for being even bigger than me.

Some may look at me and say, yeah, you need to drop a few. (A “few” is about 50 – 60 pounds right now, by the way.)

No wonder I’m single!

So that’s where I am today. But what is the common theme you notice in every single statement so far? Stop reading, take a second to look back and really think—what’s the common thread?

I can imagine a few things you might have come up with:

  • Everything is a judgment
  • So much negativity
  • “The whole tone is yucky, and I really don’t like it when people call people, themselves or others, ‘fat.'”

Did I miss one?

Yes, I did.

Every single statement about me being fat is based on a comparison of something else.

“I’m fat compared to:

  • What I was before.”
  • Someone else.”
  • What a Kung Fu Master should be.”
  • How I’m used to seeing my face in the past.”

Or even this—”I’m not fat compared to someone else who is fat compared to me.”

What we’re seeing is that my hatred of “being fat” is based on a comparison to something else, which leads to the judgment that it’s bad, which leads to the meaning that “I am bad and undesirable.”

This is where comparisons don’t serve us. They don’t serve us in body image. They don’t serve us in finances. They don’t serve us in other areas of self-worth or life.

Yet, this is how we operate as humans when we’re not in alignment with the truth of the universe.

Let me illustrate further with an analogy I learned from David Neagle.

Is this circle big or small?

o

What did you answer? Why?

What if I ask if it is big or small now?

. o

How about now?

. o O

In any case, you have to compare it to something else to determine if it is big or small.

Is it bad or good for the circle to be bigger or smaller? Neither, right?

What if it was a tree. Would the tree be bad or good because it was bigger or smaller than another one? Still neither.

The truth of the Universe on this matter is the the circle just is.

The tree just is.

I just am.

You just are.

And you are one with the Universe. You are not apart from it. You are a part of it. When you know and feel that, then and only then can you put a judgment and meaning on it.

And that judgment and meaning is that you are beautiful and wonderful and perfect in this moment. Period.

When we get in alignment with that truth, we can stop judging every ounce of fat we see on our bodies.

By far, the first and foremost important purpose in life is to love and be at peace with who you are, right now, in this moment, whether fat, skinny, pale, dark, clear, broken out or anything else.

Does that mean you can’t or shouldn’t make changes? No. It means you start with self-love, then you can evaluate desired changes based on love, not hate or fear.

On January 10, 2016, body image expert Lynleigh Chamberlain and I are holding an absolutely free call on this topic.

At the Love Your Body without Changing a Thing: 3 Steps to Feel Beautiful in the Skin You’re In teleclass, we are going to give you the exact steps Lynleigh took to discover her own true beauty and fall in love with herself as she is.

We all secretly want that, and after we have that, we can change anything we want, or not!

I hope you’ll join us. Learn more and register here: TanishaMartin.com/loveyourbody

 

You’ve Overcome a Lot, but Think Twice About Being an “Overcomer”

I am a survivor.

I am a survivor of emotional abuse in childhood, constant depression until I was 28, and in a marriage: domestic violence, infidelity, and sexual abuse and manipulation. However, I don’t identify with being a survivor or an overcomer.

I used to identify with being an overcomer, until a couple of years ago at a live event hosted by my favorite mentor. There were only maybe 30 of us in attendance at this laser-focused personal intensive. He was working with someone who also identified with great pride as being an overcomer. He brought to her attention that her attachment of value to all that she’s overcome will only lead to having more and more trauma to overcome.

Hold on—if my unbelievable overcoming created my self-esteem, then to keep my self-esteem up, I will have to keep overcoming extremely difficult circumstances over and over again?

A light bulb went off in me.

It’s NOT because I shouldn’t celebrate overcoming! I absolutely should honor myself and recognize my growth and success against great odds. That is wonderful!

It IS, however, about placing value and self-worth on “being an overcomer.” The coach was drawing to her attention that when she found her self-worth through “overcoming” and experienced validation as such, then she, of course, had to keep putting herself in a position to tolerate difficult situations until they were so awful she could overcome them too, thus perpetuating her self-worth.

I thought about this today when I noticed how much slimmer I was finally getting again. I have a fitness challenge starting on Monday, and I thought, Oh, no! I didn’t measure or weigh myself at the highest point, and I’m already shedding. Now I’ll never know for sure how many inches or pounds I dropped!

Suddenly, my self-coach kicked in. Pardon me, Tanisha, but is it really about how much you’re OVERCOMING or is it actually about the RESULT you want?

I heard myself with a new voice. Yes, it is definitely about the result I want.

The “overcoming” is awesome when recognized just for a moment (heck yeah you can celebrate and acknowledge you did a hard thing!), and then move on—I don’t need to feed all those pounds and inches any more attention than they already get. The real focus is in the results—in the physical tone, the energy, my favorite clothes fitting well, and on and on. It doesn’t actually matter if I shed a single pound or fifty, the only thing that matters is achieving the bottom line.

So, yes, I am a survivor, but I don’t attach value to merely surviving, and I don’t measure self-worth by the mounds I have overcome. My real joy is in loving myself at all times no matter what, and in the thrill of living outside of my comfort zone in the magical realm of everything I truly AM!

 

Worthless & Ugly OR Cute & Quirky?

Attach the Meaning that Serves You MOST!

One of my best friends in high school once told me he couldn’t wait to see me at school each day because I always wore something cute and quirky. I was shocked he would think that!

My mom and I didn’t have any money. I couldn’t go buy actual outfits at the mall like my wealthy cousins I grew up in the same town with did every year for school. I got a lot of hand-me-downs, items from second-hand store clothes, and sometimes cute but mostly weird clothes my dad brought home from his trade group. I was embarrassed by my lack of choice and lack of style. It fed directly into my already low self-esteem and high self-loathing.

It never occurred to me that I might actually be cute and quirky, until someone told me that’s what they thought!

Every experience we have has a fact and a meaning. The facts are the realities around the circumstance. What my clothes looked like and where I got them from. The meaning I PUT on those facts was that I was worthless and ugly. The meaning my friend put on those facts, whether he knew the facts or not, was that I was cute and quirky. Same circumstances, same facts, different meaning. Is either meaning TRUE? Not really, they’re both opinions. They’re both made up. So, if they’re made up anyway, why not make up the meaning that SERVES YOU?!!!

It does a whole lot of harm to go around with the meaning that I’m worthless and ugly. My self-esteem, social skills, bank account, and happiness suffered because of meaning like this I attached to experiences like that. I can’t change the choices I made back then, but I can take a different meaning now to that same situation and any current situations that empower me and feed into my dreams and happiness!

Tenacious Task

Take a look at an experience you are in and see it in a new light. The meaning you’re attaching to your situation is made up anyway, so why not make it mean something that empowers you to have a great day, achieve a dream, and live the life you love?!