Tag Archives: obstacles

A Fulfilling Life? That’ll Be Four Hundred Anxieties Please

How the Hell Did I Get on a Lion?

Yesterday I hit one of these moments when I was full of anxiety, tears, and brick-wall-head-banging. And today I read this article in Inc. Magazine, The Psychological Price of Entrepreneurship, quoted here:

Successful entrepreneurs achieve hero status in our culture. We idolize the Mark Zuckerbergs and the Elon Musks. And we celebrate the blazingly fast growth of the Inc. 500 companies. But many of those entrepreneurs… harbor secret demons: Before they made it big, they struggled through moments of near-debilitating anxiety and despair—times when it seemed everything might crumble.

Until recently, admitting such sentiments was taboo. Rather than showing vulnerability, business leaders have practiced what social psychiatrists call impression management—also known as “fake it till you make it.” Toby Thomas, CEO of EnSite Solutions (No. 188 on the Inc. 500), explains the phenomenon with his favorite analogy: a man riding a lion. “People look at him and think, ‘This guy’s really got it together! He’s brave!'” says Thomas. “And the man riding the lion is thinking, ‘How the hell did I get on a lion, and how do I keep from getting eaten?'”
I’m so happy this is becoming increasingly less taboo, and more authentically admitted as part of many people’s realities!

The growing pains of stretching outside of your comfort zone can be, and usually are, brutal. So why do we do it?

Because that’s where all the magic of an amazingly fulfilling life is.

We are not satisfied with mediocre. We thrive on experiencing things we never thought we could, and we live on the joy of helping others.

Watch a few of my encouraging thoughts in this short 3-minute video:

If you’ve hit one of those walls in the journey, remember you are not broken, “messed up,” stupid, or unworthy! Just the opposite—you are especially amazing because you are in the process of creating!

Take a moment and cry it out if you need, then get back at it like a Tiger until you break through the challenges and reach your dream.

Remember Your Big WHY

I hit a massive wall two years ago, not long after I started the memoir project at 150Husbands.com I mentioned in the video above. I was terrified to take it on and start talking about topics of abuse that would require me to be raw and open about my own domestic violence story.

I actually chronicled it in video and shared my progression throughout the day as I pulled myself up. It’s a long post, but you’ll see in the very first video the two moments when I couldn’t lie to myself or to you, as I suddenly reconnected to my big why.

Even as I was expressing fear and doubt, I couldn’t buy it when I knew I was drawn to this path. Remember why you chose your path, who you’re doing it for. If it’s big enough, bigger than yourself, then you will lay down your self-doubts and get back on the path.

Make Sure You Are Well-Supported

There is no need to do it alone. Get a weekly tip and power meditation in our pre-program calls for Design Your Empowered Life with Tanisha Martin—ease stress, stay positive, and get energized! Get in on it at TanishaMartin.com/empoweredlife.

If you would like some extra laser focused support to get you through your last hurdles of 2016, I have a couple slots open in my end-of-year blast private coaching special. See details here.

Don’t Get Mad, Get Empathy

When Being Yourself Hurts…

About three years ago I introduced my BFF to my favorite food, Indian buffet and since then, we have gone almost every week, with some exceptions.

Two weeks ago, we were sharing stories of struggle and triumph over vegetable korma and naan bread, then I said something that set him off.

To be clear, him “getting set of” just means he got on the defensive and said something that hurt my feelings. He doesn’t attack me verbally or otherwise, and if we get heated, he never crosses a line into name-calling, crazy accusations, or things he can’t take back. It’s pretty mild. It hurts, like any misunderstanding between friends, but we fix it and it’s over.

In the moment, though, it feels crappy, hurtful, mean, and I wonder if I can really trust him with my true self and my feelings.

We weren’t getting anywhere so we stopped talking and I wiped my tears and got up to get more food. When I returned, he told me why he thought he was upset. I understood his reasoning, but it didn’t compute with my reality and how hurtful what he had said to me really was, so I disagreed.

The Filter of “The Book of Law”

Then I remembered something I’ve been helping my clients become more aware of within themselves in order to better their own experiences in life…

Every person thinks, speaks, and acts based on their own filter created by the “Book of Law,” as Don Miguel Ruiz calls it in “The 4 Agreements,” that was programmed into them as a child and reinforced through the fact that every experience must validate that rule book, even if in your mind you know there is another perspective.

I looked at my friend’s handsome, uncharacteristically somber face and quickly gathered some facts I know about him in order to imagine what filter he may have been experiencing my original statement through.

Instantly, I was snapped out of my own hurt feelings and gained empathy for him. Whether I was right or wrong in my “guess” about why it bothered him so much didn’t matter, because I had come up with a scenario in which I could actually understand why he would react and in turn hurt my feelings.

(Variations of this skill can also be used to have empathy for an abuser, which kept me stuck in a harmful marriage—the key is to know when to use it and know when to walk away for the greater good. That is a topic for another time. To be clear, this is not an abusive situation, this is a misunderstanding among friends—no two people are coming from exactly the same perspective, so these things happen!)

I asked him, “When I said X, did it feel like Y to you? Is that why it bothered you?”

He thought for half a second, and confirmed.

I asked, “Okay, so you’re not upset I brought it up, it’s more in the way I said it, and had I said it this other way it would have felt different to you?”

He agreed again.

2-for-2—It Works Again

Earlier this week, I was talking to a family member who knows some private but pertinent information that led to my entire life turning upside-down. I am hurt and can’t understand why this person isn’t as affected by this information as I was. They are supportive of me, but clearly can’t understand where I’m coming from.

I remembered I had just had a great experience turning my hurt feelings around with my BFF, so I tried it again.

I merely took a moment to realize from that person’s perspective, they simply cannot afford to imagine a piece of information that conflicts with other information they have, which they firmly believe through undeniable means.

I was actually in that exact same boat, with the same former information, and with my own undeniable reasons to stick with it. However, when the new information was presented to me, it came directly from a person involved, a friend of mine… This personal connection FORCED me to look at the information, even though it created a conflict of two “truths” that can’t coexist, which fueled a living hell for me for a time.

My family member wasn’t told directly by my friend. They don’t even know my friend. So to my family member, it’s far enough removed they can ignore it. I can’t.

I can, however, put aside my own hurt feelings about my family member, because I understand their perspective—I would have reacted the exact same way just a few years ago.

Stepping into their “Book of Law filter” helped me to realize that it’s not about me, or them slighting me, or them not understanding me… It’s about them not being able to fathom this new information that conflicts with other information they would live and die for. And that’s it. No need for me to be hurt.

Even if I’m ever wrong in these filters I’m trying to uncover, the act of trying to come up with why their perspective would make sense, even if I still disagree, makes me feel better, and turns my sadness, pain, or anger into empathy and I’m over it!

It is that simple. At the very least it helps.

We talked more about the Book of Law in the context of being your own, authentic, real self without fear of judgment of others recently—download the Shine Without Fear audio here.

And if you’ve been wanting to change your Book of Law filter so you can make some big leaps, you might be looking for my Inner Circle: Ultimate Breakthrough program.

 

 

To Be or Not to Be the REAL YOU

That is the question to which we all oscillate between conflicting answers—”Yes,” in theory, “no,” in reality.

Can You Be Your REAL Self AND Do Amazing Things?

We want to do amazing things, but we know we fall short. So short, we might not have to duck under low branches (staying small keeps us “safe” from opposition), but we still can’t reach the fruit (the magic that comes from stretching to live our deepest, most fulfilling lives).

We are flawed beings who may function and even thrive, but won’t ever get to that truly amazing place, because our screw-ups and problems keep us from ever being good enough.

This is what we often say to ourselves, or what we hear in the messages shouted at us by others and by our harsh challenges in life.

It isn’t the truth, though. Well, half of it is true, but the conclusion is completely off base.

Here’s what’s true:

  • You’re not perfect.
  • You do have flaws.
  • There have indeed been some screw-ups, messes, and hardships along the way.

Yeah, sometimes your real self sucks.

But… here’s what’s also true that we tend to forget:

  • That is NORMAL
  • That is part of being HUMAN
  • It MEANS nothing
  • You are worthy just as you are
  • That is beautiful

YOU Can Do Amazing Things

I want to be really clear…

You do not have to be someone other than yourself to do amazing things.

You do not have to be someone you are not to do amazing things.

You do not have to change who you are to do amazing things

YOU can do amazing things.

How do I know?

I’m pretty open about having a history of depression, social anxiety, and self-loathing, being a DVSA (domestic violence & sexual assault) survivor, and the fact that up until last year (when I went through the worst hell and most significant breakthrough of my life, a whole other story), I still had a suicidal thought regularly, like every week. This was BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER:

  • Achieving my 1st through 5th degree black belt ranks.
  • Taking over my kung fu school to be the owner and head instructor.
  • Taking commissions for fine art portraits.
  • Becoming a freelance graphic designer with local, national, and internationally relevant clients.
  • Creating massive breakthroughs in my life including busting through income barriers and leaving my abusive marriage.
  • Using my unique insight and experience to coach clients through their own personal or business breakthroughs.

Here’s my secret—

I didn’t wait until I was “perfect” or “better” to move forward in my life. I moved forward in my life so I could improve and be better.

I did all of those things and more IN SPITE of my flaws, weaknesses, and struggles. I just did it anyway.

This is what my clients do too. This is what you can do too.

So can you be your real self AND do amazing things?

Hell yes you can.

Besides, it’s not even you that has to change!

It’s the protective facade you have around yourself that has to be shed in order to reveal the real you.

It’s the “facade you” that is running the show manifesting what you have now, while the real you is tucked away inside, wanting something more or different, but staying safe from whatever you fear.

It’s that fear that we’re discussing on this FREE call, Shine Without Fear!

Fear of the judgment of others is so unbelievably common, we’re focusing on it as the main theme, and there are so many other fears to which this content will apply as well.

Yes, you will transform. No you will not lose yourself, rather you will gain so much more of yourself you will wonder why you ever doubted in the first place!

I hope to see you on the call. Learn more and register here.

In the meantime, do what you love through the fear. Do what you love in spite of your real or perceived flaws and weaknesses. Just do it anyway.

Eliminate Unnecessary Burdens through Two Questions

I got 30,999 problems, but you won’t be one…

30,999 unread emails, that is…

I am (pretty) good at scanning through my inbox of newsletters and marketing for businesses I still want to receive, even if I rarely open them, to find and read your emails, but I am not good at deleting those newsletters/marketing emails when I’m done or not interested in even opening them!

Subpar Solution to Perfectionism

I used to be super stressed out by the number at the top. I’m a perfectionist who was so overwhelmed by the ideal, ended up living in subpar messes. It was like if I couldn’t do it to perfection, why try?
That’s not a great approach! I have been slowly over time letting go of perfectionist ideals, thus enabling myself to raise my levels to a “normal” standard of excellence. I’m still working on this in some areas, but overall it has been a wonderful process to get out of extremes and into the healthy zone.

Does it REALLY Matter?

In this email scenario—who really cares if there are thousands of emails in my inbox? Deleting them can feel like a burden lifted, but why feel like having them there is a burden in the first place?
We have enough burdens that really do need attention, to make every other little thing such a cause for stress!
 
I will take some down time watching a movie to mass-delete by sender (a handy feature!) but only because I want to, and not because I HAVE to. It’s no longer driving me crazy. Why should it?
 
There is something to be said for keeping perspective on what really does and does not matter.
 
I hope to take what I learned here in seeing more clearly, letting go, and keep improving my priorities elsewhere in my life to eliminate unnecessary burdens, so I can focus on what really does need attention!

Identifying Unnecessary Burdens

It only takes a clear-headed moment and honesty to identify what really does or does not matter. Ask yourself:
  • Is the actual thing hurting me (or someone else), or is it just my perception around that thing that is hurting me?
  • If I don’t handle/change/address this, what will happen?

Just stop for a second. Relax. Get a clear head and ask those two questions. Be ultra honest in your answers and watch unnecessary burdens drop like flies.

Your Last Failure Holds a Secret

Your Next Goal is at Risk

You have a goal. Maybe you even have a clear plan to achieve that goal.

You’re on track, but you aren’t aware of what is lurking about to pounce and stop you dead in your tracks.

If you are human, you have both achieved goals and failed at achieving goals. Your goals are at risk of failure each and every time, so how will you determine this one will make it?

Each time you set out to accomplish something new, you hope it will work out. There are a lot of factors that determine its viability from the get-go:

  • True desire
  • Your goal is in harmony with your authentic self, your purpose, and the laws of the Universe
  • Your 100% decision vs. 99% or less
  • Etc.

For today’s topic, let’s assume all of these other factors are green lights—your desire is true, the goal is in harmony with your authentic self, your purpose, and the laws of the Universe, and you have indeed made 100% decision.

With all of those in prime position for success, the next factor to address is the secret your last failure holds.

One of my clients was in the middle of a huge upheaval in her life due to a move, which left her staying with family out of state, running her business out of boxes in her car, traveling for weeks at a time across the country, until she finally settled into her final destination, yet another state away. That’s transferring from state A to B to C over several months, while traveling the country in between.

It’s hard enough to run a business staying put, much less trying to stay on top of everything while being transient!

She had a goal to continue running and growing her business (indicated by specific benchmarks) while adapting to her life changes during this time, but she ended up experiencing intense struggle, stress, frustration, and distraction instead.

What did your last failure look like? It could be small with minor consequences or massive with critical, life-changing consequences. Either way, there are principles at work and clues that can change your world.

Why Did You Stop?

What caused that last failure? In more specific terms, what made you stop? Why did you stop?

I learned this approach from my favorite coach, David Neagle, and have found it critical to taking that next piece of power back into my and my clients’ lives.

For the client I mentioned, we took a look at her goal that was being put on the back burner, and why she stopped.

Her reasons were that XYZ problems and tasks had kept coming up. Every time she did what she was supposed to do, for example change her address with the post office as well as with a specific company, something would still go wrong, and she didn’t receive an important shipment before she had to leave on another business trip.

She felt powerless and completely stressed out as she checked items off her to-do list, just to have them pop up again, and interrupt her business and life in the process. She kept having to handle these issues, and did so inefficiently at that, while the rest of her business suffered.

In analyzing how these instances made her stop, we saw that she easily fell victim to the choices of others and gave in to the resulting struggle. This related back to her “control freak” nature, and the perpetual evidence that she must keep control at all times or else things “break.”

Another evidence of that operating program was when a major mistake happened that she knew was 100% her doing. In this case, she was easily able to face it and fix it, as opposed to the constant issues that were caused by third party involvement.

Can you see how her core, subconscious belief was dictating her experience of easily getting a solution in some cases versus struggling with stress and frustration in others?

Our subconscious serves to prove its beliefs. That is what we are “fighting” when we are trying to change our experiences and improve our circumstances.

Instead of fighting it, we understand that it’s only trying to preserve us, and we work to change that core belief into one more suited to serve us.

In recognizing her subconscious program which determined the point where she “stopped” moving forward, we were able to approach her challenges from empowerment instead of powerlessness, thus begin to change her experience. She was able to move from struggle, to having just another item on her to-do list to handle without the distracting stress and emotions.

Unlocking Your Failure’s Secret

To achieve your own goal, here are the steps to take before your next goal’s risk appears, before it starts to fall apart:

  1. Identify your last failed goal.
  2. Ask yourself, “What made me stop? Why did I stop?”
  3. Identify your responsibility. Whether those answers have to do with you directly or third parties and external circumstances out of your control, identify where you actually did have power in each and every case.
  4. Identify what core belief you are operating from based on the clues.
  5. Determine what the real truth is. (In my client’s case, she had to determine that we truly can’t control everything, but we can take our power back in everything and more effectively handle hurdles as they come.)
  6. Give yourself a new experience. (In my client’s case, she had to continue to relinquish control, and learn to consciously recognize when it worked out wonderfully. She then began to let the new evidence sink in, and let the struggle and frustration become empowerment to handle challenges when they arise.)

When you choose to stay victim to reasons (excuses) for failure, you choose to stay disempowered, upset, confused, and it interrupts you from adapting to the changes you want to make.

When you draw on the clues from past failures, you empower yourself to never let them stop you again.

I will gladly help you through this process via my private coaching or group coaching programs.

Next step—plan your celebration when you achieve that next big goal!