Tag Archives: negativity

A Fulfilling Life? That’ll Be Four Hundred Anxieties Please

How the Hell Did I Get on a Lion?

Yesterday I hit one of these moments when I was full of anxiety, tears, and brick-wall-head-banging. And today I read this article in Inc. Magazine, The Psychological Price of Entrepreneurship, quoted here:

Successful entrepreneurs achieve hero status in our culture. We idolize the Mark Zuckerbergs and the Elon Musks. And we celebrate the blazingly fast growth of the Inc. 500 companies. But many of those entrepreneurs… harbor secret demons: Before they made it big, they struggled through moments of near-debilitating anxiety and despair—times when it seemed everything might crumble.

Until recently, admitting such sentiments was taboo. Rather than showing vulnerability, business leaders have practiced what social psychiatrists call impression management—also known as “fake it till you make it.” Toby Thomas, CEO of EnSite Solutions (No. 188 on the Inc. 500), explains the phenomenon with his favorite analogy: a man riding a lion. “People look at him and think, ‘This guy’s really got it together! He’s brave!'” says Thomas. “And the man riding the lion is thinking, ‘How the hell did I get on a lion, and how do I keep from getting eaten?'”
I’m so happy this is becoming increasingly less taboo, and more authentically admitted as part of many people’s realities!

The growing pains of stretching outside of your comfort zone can be, and usually are, brutal. So why do we do it?

Because that’s where all the magic of an amazingly fulfilling life is.

We are not satisfied with mediocre. We thrive on experiencing things we never thought we could, and we live on the joy of helping others.

Watch a few of my encouraging thoughts in this short 3-minute video:

If you’ve hit one of those walls in the journey, remember you are not broken, “messed up,” stupid, or unworthy! Just the opposite—you are especially amazing because you are in the process of creating!

Take a moment and cry it out if you need, then get back at it like a Tiger until you break through the challenges and reach your dream.

Remember Your Big WHY

I hit a massive wall two years ago, not long after I started the memoir project at 150Husbands.com I mentioned in the video above. I was terrified to take it on and start talking about topics of abuse that would require me to be raw and open about my own domestic violence story.

I actually chronicled it in video and shared my progression throughout the day as I pulled myself up. It’s a long post, but you’ll see in the very first video the two moments when I couldn’t lie to myself or to you, as I suddenly reconnected to my big why.

Even as I was expressing fear and doubt, I couldn’t buy it when I knew I was drawn to this path. Remember why you chose your path, who you’re doing it for. If it’s big enough, bigger than yourself, then you will lay down your self-doubts and get back on the path.

Make Sure You Are Well-Supported

There is no need to do it alone. Get a weekly tip and power meditation in our pre-program calls for Design Your Empowered Life with Tanisha Martin—ease stress, stay positive, and get energized! Get in on it at TanishaMartin.com/empoweredlife.

If you would like some extra laser focused support to get you through your last hurdles of 2016, I have a couple slots open in my end-of-year blast private coaching special. See details here.

Don’t Get Mad, Get Empathy

When Being Yourself Hurts…

About three years ago I introduced my BFF to my favorite food, Indian buffet and since then, we have gone almost every week, with some exceptions.

Two weeks ago, we were sharing stories of struggle and triumph over vegetable korma and naan bread, then I said something that set him off.

To be clear, him “getting set of” just means he got on the defensive and said something that hurt my feelings. He doesn’t attack me verbally or otherwise, and if we get heated, he never crosses a line into name-calling, crazy accusations, or things he can’t take back. It’s pretty mild. It hurts, like any misunderstanding between friends, but we fix it and it’s over.

In the moment, though, it feels crappy, hurtful, mean, and I wonder if I can really trust him with my true self and my feelings.

We weren’t getting anywhere so we stopped talking and I wiped my tears and got up to get more food. When I returned, he told me why he thought he was upset. I understood his reasoning, but it didn’t compute with my reality and how hurtful what he had said to me really was, so I disagreed.

The Filter of “The Book of Law”

Then I remembered something I’ve been helping my clients become more aware of within themselves in order to better their own experiences in life…

Every person thinks, speaks, and acts based on their own filter created by the “Book of Law,” as Don Miguel Ruiz calls it in “The 4 Agreements,” that was programmed into them as a child and reinforced through the fact that every experience must validate that rule book, even if in your mind you know there is another perspective.

I looked at my friend’s handsome, uncharacteristically somber face and quickly gathered some facts I know about him in order to imagine what filter he may have been experiencing my original statement through.

Instantly, I was snapped out of my own hurt feelings and gained empathy for him. Whether I was right or wrong in my “guess” about why it bothered him so much didn’t matter, because I had come up with a scenario in which I could actually understand why he would react and in turn hurt my feelings.

(Variations of this skill can also be used to have empathy for an abuser, which kept me stuck in a harmful marriage—the key is to know when to use it and know when to walk away for the greater good. That is a topic for another time. To be clear, this is not an abusive situation, this is a misunderstanding among friends—no two people are coming from exactly the same perspective, so these things happen!)

I asked him, “When I said X, did it feel like Y to you? Is that why it bothered you?”

He thought for half a second, and confirmed.

I asked, “Okay, so you’re not upset I brought it up, it’s more in the way I said it, and had I said it this other way it would have felt different to you?”

He agreed again.

2-for-2—It Works Again

Earlier this week, I was talking to a family member who knows some private but pertinent information that led to my entire life turning upside-down. I am hurt and can’t understand why this person isn’t as affected by this information as I was. They are supportive of me, but clearly can’t understand where I’m coming from.

I remembered I had just had a great experience turning my hurt feelings around with my BFF, so I tried it again.

I merely took a moment to realize from that person’s perspective, they simply cannot afford to imagine a piece of information that conflicts with other information they have, which they firmly believe through undeniable means.

I was actually in that exact same boat, with the same former information, and with my own undeniable reasons to stick with it. However, when the new information was presented to me, it came directly from a person involved, a friend of mine… This personal connection FORCED me to look at the information, even though it created a conflict of two “truths” that can’t coexist, which fueled a living hell for me for a time.

My family member wasn’t told directly by my friend. They don’t even know my friend. So to my family member, it’s far enough removed they can ignore it. I can’t.

I can, however, put aside my own hurt feelings about my family member, because I understand their perspective—I would have reacted the exact same way just a few years ago.

Stepping into their “Book of Law filter” helped me to realize that it’s not about me, or them slighting me, or them not understanding me… It’s about them not being able to fathom this new information that conflicts with other information they would live and die for. And that’s it. No need for me to be hurt.

Even if I’m ever wrong in these filters I’m trying to uncover, the act of trying to come up with why their perspective would make sense, even if I still disagree, makes me feel better, and turns my sadness, pain, or anger into empathy and I’m over it!

It is that simple. At the very least it helps.

We talked more about the Book of Law in the context of being your own, authentic, real self without fear of judgment of others recently—download the Shine Without Fear audio here.

And if you’ve been wanting to change your Book of Law filter so you can make some big leaps, you might be looking for my Inner Circle: Ultimate Breakthrough program.

 

 

Eliminate Unnecessary Burdens through Two Questions

I got 30,999 problems, but you won’t be one…

30,999 unread emails, that is…

I am (pretty) good at scanning through my inbox of newsletters and marketing for businesses I still want to receive, even if I rarely open them, to find and read your emails, but I am not good at deleting those newsletters/marketing emails when I’m done or not interested in even opening them!

Subpar Solution to Perfectionism

I used to be super stressed out by the number at the top. I’m a perfectionist who was so overwhelmed by the ideal, ended up living in subpar messes. It was like if I couldn’t do it to perfection, why try?
That’s not a great approach! I have been slowly over time letting go of perfectionist ideals, thus enabling myself to raise my levels to a “normal” standard of excellence. I’m still working on this in some areas, but overall it has been a wonderful process to get out of extremes and into the healthy zone.

Does it REALLY Matter?

In this email scenario—who really cares if there are thousands of emails in my inbox? Deleting them can feel like a burden lifted, but why feel like having them there is a burden in the first place?
We have enough burdens that really do need attention, to make every other little thing such a cause for stress!
 
I will take some down time watching a movie to mass-delete by sender (a handy feature!) but only because I want to, and not because I HAVE to. It’s no longer driving me crazy. Why should it?
 
There is something to be said for keeping perspective on what really does and does not matter.
 
I hope to take what I learned here in seeing more clearly, letting go, and keep improving my priorities elsewhere in my life to eliminate unnecessary burdens, so I can focus on what really does need attention!

Identifying Unnecessary Burdens

It only takes a clear-headed moment and honesty to identify what really does or does not matter. Ask yourself:
  • Is the actual thing hurting me (or someone else), or is it just my perception around that thing that is hurting me?
  • If I don’t handle/change/address this, what will happen?

Just stop for a second. Relax. Get a clear head and ask those two questions. Be ultra honest in your answers and watch unnecessary burdens drop like flies.

Reconnecting with Self – 1, Technology – 0

Confession time.

I have made a wonderful life for myself. I get to LIVE and WORK in the same fulfilling lifestyle practices that used to be “just a hobby.” I get to do Kung Fu, live it, teach it. I get to study Universal Law, live it, teach it.

But since experiencing and leaving my abusive marriage, dealing with the aftermath, and in the last year experiencing abuse triggers, and other challenges, I have developed a strong resistance to deeply connecting with myself.

Even though I teach and practice chi kung, Tai Chi, and other meditative practices regularly, I have subconsciously been careful to keep it towards the surface.

I have a hard time doing other activities that used to bring me so much fulfillment as well, like reading, creating art, and more.

This bothers me. I have noticed it, and have “wanted” to change it, but haven’t fully jumped in.

Even though this year I have started to revive my art in my down time and picked up a book every so often, my resistance has persisted, keeping me from truly getting back to that place of fully embracing and experiencing my deep self.

At the beginning and end of the day, the times in the past reserved for myself, to set my day up for success through meditation and gaining clarity, and the evening relaxation before a great night’s sleep, I might engage for a moment, then “save myself” from getting too connected with myself by turning to my Galaxy S4. I spent too much time checking email and my business and personal social media accounts, and playing logic and word games, which were easily “justified” because I have always enjoyed challenging my brain in that way in the past, but not at the expense of being one with myself and one with the Universe.

None of these activities are bad, but when I use them to avoid myself, it’s a big problem. Who can relate?

Not only have I been overusing technology, I have been completely aware that I have been doing to it avoid being present with myself.

…Until recently when my phone when on the fritz.

Technology Loses and I Win
(Thank You Universe!)

A couple of weeks ago, my Galaxy S4’s SIM card started disengaging, forcing me to restart my phone, and it became more and more of a problem. At the same time, my phone stopped charging, or would charge sporadically. I had to save my battery, so I could no longer use my phone to keep me away from myself.

So I took Napoleon Hill’s point to heart, where he mentions that opportunity often shows up as misfortune or temporary defeat. Yes, it seriously disrupts my business and ability to serve my clients to not have a fully functioning phone.

But my desire to fix my problem had grown. I had started making art again, and other activities, I just wasn’t consistent enough on a daily basis, so the Universe recognized my desire and gave me a little boost.

As I took steps, the Universe responded.

The first night without my phone, I was lost for a minute, but then in the spirit of fulfilling what I was asking of myself and the Universe, I got grounded. I gently climbed into bed, pulled my kitty close and just sat quietly, listening to the sound of the ceiling fan and Charlie’s purring.

After a few minutes of just “being,” I looked over at the dusty stack of books on the nightstand, and grabbed the top hardcover, a Christmas gift from a student last year. I had begun reading it right away last year and loved it! But couldn’t finish it due to that intense resistance to myself. I removed my bookmark and started over. Fresh. With my true self re-engaged.

Now I am a reading machine, just as I had been in years past! It’s never really about us changing, but about removing what isn’t us, and setting the real us free.

Between these amazing physical and Kindle books, spending more time reflecting and meditating, enjoying the outdoors, and knowing it is okay to reconnect, I am proving it is true. It’s a beautiful phase and one I hope never to lose again.

More Peace. More Productivity.

My experience, and similar experiences of some of my clients are the inspiration for the next Inner Circle group coaching program, where we create both greater self-connection and inner peace, while boosting our productivity in whatever responsibilities we have.

Peace often comes with thoughts of quiet, calm, and freedom, but we all too often let all of our responsibilities and stress about how we’re not as productive as we should be stop of for taking a moment to recharge so we actually can be more productive!

At the same time, the term “productivity” can bring a frantic visual to mind, due to its high energy requirement, so we don’t even really want it. We know we gotta, but we aren’t looking forward to it.

Enough is enough. We are going to take both of those aspects of life, and, as Bill Murray would say, “Kiss them on the neck,” and find that sweet spot where we’ve got both going on like a boss!

At the time of this posting, we’ve got an amazing pre-registration special, so go take a look at the program (it’s over the phone, so you can call in from anywhere!) and get in while the price is hot! TanishaMartin.com/innercircle

 

 

 

Get Yourself to Do Things

The Screaming Inner Voice

It wasn’t doing me any harm, and yet I was screaming inside. My 9-year old body was frozen, not even a pinky flicked. I was sitting at the kitchen table being mocked by the only thing out of place—my white, crumpled, gum wrapper. It belonged in the trash, and yet I couldn’t move. For 45 minutes I stared at the gum wrapper, screaming at myself to throw it away, tears blurring my vision, and I remained paralized.

What’s the big deal about a gum wrapper? Why couldn’t I move? Should I have gotten therapy? I could analyze it, and as a coach, I definitely support seeking the root behind the behaviors. I have some ideas as to what that was about for me personally, and how it affects me today, but I’m going to skip all of that this time to look at what most of us experience as an adult.

The Plague of Procrastination & Avoidance

My experience at nine years old feels similar to what I go through today, almost 30 years later, when procrastination and avoidance are gaining ground.

Why do we procrastinate? We might answer with something like these:

  • I don’t have the time right now
  • I don’t have the energy right now
  • I don’t know how to start
  • I’m stuck and not sure what the next step is
  • I don’t feel like it
  • I can do it later
  • It doesn’t HAVE to be done now
  • Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away (we don’t actually buy this, but our actions suggest we secretly hope for it!)

Digging deeper into our inner layers reveals a variety of root limiting programs that lead to procrastination and avoidance. Some examples:

  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of success
  • Fear of showing up in the world
  • Fear of being seen
  • Fear of being wrong
  • Fear of not being right
  • Fear of being judged

But whether we can identify root cause (always great when we can) or not, the end result is still the same. Think, behave, BE the way the causes the results you want rather than the results you don’t want. And recognizing just one critical truth can make all the difference.

It’s always the resistance to change that is the hardest.

I finally got up and threw the gum wrapper away.

The physical action was simple.

I was strong enough to stand and hold myself, my depth perception accurate in navigating to the wrapper, my dexterity solid to hold it between my little fingers, my balance acute enough to walk easily to the trash and drop the wad in.

The 45 minutes leading up to it was a battle.

Remember riding a bike or swimming for the first time?

Those who approached it from fear and resistance, not daring to take their foot off the ground or let go of the side of the pool, took much longer to accomplish the goal, and with greater frustration, than those who embraced the unknown, trusting in the people there to help who already knew how, and just went for it.

In either case, once you got it, you realized that you were completely capable all along, you just didn’t know it before. There may have been a learning curve when discovering how to balance on the bicycle or keep your head above water, but it was there and as soon as it clicked, it never went away.

Even if the desired change involves more serious topics such as grief and healing trauma, the resistance is still harder than the change. The freedom from pain, or the healthier management of it, is way easier than the suffering by not changing.

Regardless of the topic at hand, if the result is really what you want, then why not cut out all the aggravating and painful resistance and just get on with it? You can!

  • Always remember resistance is by far the hardest part, and relief comes when you move forward.
  • Make it a game to get out of the resistance phase as soon as possible. (Self-bribes and rewards are totally legitimate tools :) )
  • Keep the vision of the desired result in the forefront of your mind.
  • Explore only thoughts of solutions, rather than despair and doubt. It feels more and more possible when you do!
  • Don’t try to “win.” Don’t force it. Don’t try to lose weight by improving diet and exercise, just improve diet and exercise and watch yourself shed unnecessary weight. It’s much easier that way. I recently posted about allowing happiness in by not trying to force it.
  • Stop overthinking. Sometimes I have to stop thinking about it altogether so I won’t talk myself out of it.
  • Approach with “open” energy, rather than a constricted, stressed, self-judgmental, trying-to-hard, or other negative energy. Mindset awareness, Universal Law work, meditation can all help with this.
  • Just do it. Just start. Just get out of bed. Just do something.

What could you have in your life in the next couple of months if you just stopped resisting and went after it? I will help you each step of the way to new results. Get support and make it happen in my private coaching or group coaching programs.