Tag Archives: challenges

A Fulfilling Life? That’ll Be Four Hundred Anxieties Please

How the Hell Did I Get on a Lion?

Yesterday I hit one of these moments when I was full of anxiety, tears, and brick-wall-head-banging. And today I read this article in Inc. Magazine, The Psychological Price of Entrepreneurship, quoted here:

Successful entrepreneurs achieve hero status in our culture. We idolize the Mark Zuckerbergs and the Elon Musks. And we celebrate the blazingly fast growth of the Inc. 500 companies. But many of those entrepreneurs… harbor secret demons: Before they made it big, they struggled through moments of near-debilitating anxiety and despair—times when it seemed everything might crumble.

Until recently, admitting such sentiments was taboo. Rather than showing vulnerability, business leaders have practiced what social psychiatrists call impression management—also known as “fake it till you make it.” Toby Thomas, CEO of EnSite Solutions (No. 188 on the Inc. 500), explains the phenomenon with his favorite analogy: a man riding a lion. “People look at him and think, ‘This guy’s really got it together! He’s brave!'” says Thomas. “And the man riding the lion is thinking, ‘How the hell did I get on a lion, and how do I keep from getting eaten?'”
I’m so happy this is becoming increasingly less taboo, and more authentically admitted as part of many people’s realities!

The growing pains of stretching outside of your comfort zone can be, and usually are, brutal. So why do we do it?

Because that’s where all the magic of an amazingly fulfilling life is.

We are not satisfied with mediocre. We thrive on experiencing things we never thought we could, and we live on the joy of helping others.

Watch a few of my encouraging thoughts in this short 3-minute video:

If you’ve hit one of those walls in the journey, remember you are not broken, “messed up,” stupid, or unworthy! Just the opposite—you are especially amazing because you are in the process of creating!

Take a moment and cry it out if you need, then get back at it like a Tiger until you break through the challenges and reach your dream.

Remember Your Big WHY

I hit a massive wall two years ago, not long after I started the memoir project at 150Husbands.com I mentioned in the video above. I was terrified to take it on and start talking about topics of abuse that would require me to be raw and open about my own domestic violence story.

I actually chronicled it in video and shared my progression throughout the day as I pulled myself up. It’s a long post, but you’ll see in the very first video the two moments when I couldn’t lie to myself or to you, as I suddenly reconnected to my big why.

Even as I was expressing fear and doubt, I couldn’t buy it when I knew I was drawn to this path. Remember why you chose your path, who you’re doing it for. If it’s big enough, bigger than yourself, then you will lay down your self-doubts and get back on the path.

Make Sure You Are Well-Supported

There is no need to do it alone. Get a weekly tip and power meditation in our pre-program calls for Design Your Empowered Life with Tanisha Martin—ease stress, stay positive, and get energized! Get in on it at TanishaMartin.com/empoweredlife.

If you would like some extra laser focused support to get you through your last hurdles of 2016, I have a couple slots open in my end-of-year blast private coaching special. See details here.

To Be or Not to Be the REAL YOU

That is the question to which we all oscillate between conflicting answers—”Yes,” in theory, “no,” in reality.

Can You Be Your REAL Self AND Do Amazing Things?

We want to do amazing things, but we know we fall short. So short, we might not have to duck under low branches (staying small keeps us “safe” from opposition), but we still can’t reach the fruit (the magic that comes from stretching to live our deepest, most fulfilling lives).

We are flawed beings who may function and even thrive, but won’t ever get to that truly amazing place, because our screw-ups and problems keep us from ever being good enough.

This is what we often say to ourselves, or what we hear in the messages shouted at us by others and by our harsh challenges in life.

It isn’t the truth, though. Well, half of it is true, but the conclusion is completely off base.

Here’s what’s true:

  • You’re not perfect.
  • You do have flaws.
  • There have indeed been some screw-ups, messes, and hardships along the way.

Yeah, sometimes your real self sucks.

But… here’s what’s also true that we tend to forget:

  • That is NORMAL
  • That is part of being HUMAN
  • It MEANS nothing
  • You are worthy just as you are
  • That is beautiful

YOU Can Do Amazing Things

I want to be really clear…

You do not have to be someone other than yourself to do amazing things.

You do not have to be someone you are not to do amazing things.

You do not have to change who you are to do amazing things

YOU can do amazing things.

How do I know?

I’m pretty open about having a history of depression, social anxiety, and self-loathing, being a DVSA (domestic violence & sexual assault) survivor, and the fact that up until last year (when I went through the worst hell and most significant breakthrough of my life, a whole other story), I still had a suicidal thought regularly, like every week. This was BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER:

  • Achieving my 1st through 5th degree black belt ranks.
  • Taking over my kung fu school to be the owner and head instructor.
  • Taking commissions for fine art portraits.
  • Becoming a freelance graphic designer with local, national, and internationally relevant clients.
  • Creating massive breakthroughs in my life including busting through income barriers and leaving my abusive marriage.
  • Using my unique insight and experience to coach clients through their own personal or business breakthroughs.

Here’s my secret—

I didn’t wait until I was “perfect” or “better” to move forward in my life. I moved forward in my life so I could improve and be better.

I did all of those things and more IN SPITE of my flaws, weaknesses, and struggles. I just did it anyway.

This is what my clients do too. This is what you can do too.

So can you be your real self AND do amazing things?

Hell yes you can.

Besides, it’s not even you that has to change!

It’s the protective facade you have around yourself that has to be shed in order to reveal the real you.

It’s the “facade you” that is running the show manifesting what you have now, while the real you is tucked away inside, wanting something more or different, but staying safe from whatever you fear.

It’s that fear that we’re discussing on this FREE call, Shine Without Fear!

Fear of the judgment of others is so unbelievably common, we’re focusing on it as the main theme, and there are so many other fears to which this content will apply as well.

Yes, you will transform. No you will not lose yourself, rather you will gain so much more of yourself you will wonder why you ever doubted in the first place!

I hope to see you on the call. Learn more and register here.

In the meantime, do what you love through the fear. Do what you love in spite of your real or perceived flaws and weaknesses. Just do it anyway.

Eliminate Unnecessary Burdens through Two Questions

I got 30,999 problems, but you won’t be one…

30,999 unread emails, that is…

I am (pretty) good at scanning through my inbox of newsletters and marketing for businesses I still want to receive, even if I rarely open them, to find and read your emails, but I am not good at deleting those newsletters/marketing emails when I’m done or not interested in even opening them!

Subpar Solution to Perfectionism

I used to be super stressed out by the number at the top. I’m a perfectionist who was so overwhelmed by the ideal, ended up living in subpar messes. It was like if I couldn’t do it to perfection, why try?
That’s not a great approach! I have been slowly over time letting go of perfectionist ideals, thus enabling myself to raise my levels to a “normal” standard of excellence. I’m still working on this in some areas, but overall it has been a wonderful process to get out of extremes and into the healthy zone.

Does it REALLY Matter?

In this email scenario—who really cares if there are thousands of emails in my inbox? Deleting them can feel like a burden lifted, but why feel like having them there is a burden in the first place?
We have enough burdens that really do need attention, to make every other little thing such a cause for stress!
 
I will take some down time watching a movie to mass-delete by sender (a handy feature!) but only because I want to, and not because I HAVE to. It’s no longer driving me crazy. Why should it?
 
There is something to be said for keeping perspective on what really does and does not matter.
 
I hope to take what I learned here in seeing more clearly, letting go, and keep improving my priorities elsewhere in my life to eliminate unnecessary burdens, so I can focus on what really does need attention!

Identifying Unnecessary Burdens

It only takes a clear-headed moment and honesty to identify what really does or does not matter. Ask yourself:
  • Is the actual thing hurting me (or someone else), or is it just my perception around that thing that is hurting me?
  • If I don’t handle/change/address this, what will happen?

Just stop for a second. Relax. Get a clear head and ask those two questions. Be ultra honest in your answers and watch unnecessary burdens drop like flies.

4 Keys to Learning to Trust Again

“Trust” has come up a lot lately, with clients, students, prospects, and with myself.

For example, one client recently had to face the fact she didn’t trust she could make major changes in her life, her health, her family, friend, and associate relationships, and in her business.

One student admitted she has a go-to response of skepticism and wondering what someone’s ulterior motive is.

One of my Periscope followers didn’t trust there could be a result other than failure if she tried to do something big, new, and powerful in her life.

Trust is “photobombing” my mind as I have some things going on in my life that are forcing me to face where I stand with it.

Does anyone not have trust issues? Has anyone not had their trust broken?

Romantic Trust Issues Are Like Every Other Trust Issue

Probably the biggest area for trust with me right now is with men and potential romantic interests.

A couple of months ago, I started receiving some male attention from about three people out of the blue in the same week. One I thought was platonic. One I thought was interested in me. One I had no idea if he was interested or not. It didn’t matter if I knew the motivation, just the idea that I was attracting new male attention of any kind was too much for me.

I literally laid in bed for two days depressed—I couldn’t handle the fear it evoked. Even with all of the personal development work I have done, it still got to me.

This is the power of broken trust when it is still lingering.

Remember, not that long ago, I was in a marriage with a guy who displayed multiple personality-type behavior—I quit counting at 150 personas, and one time he told me he was “more aware of it” than he let on, which means possibly HE, not some obscure personality sexually assaulted me, HE told me I was destroying him while in the next breath through another “personality” HE begged me to never give up on him, not to mention the other incidences which were already considered to have been done by the “main personality” anyway—he choked me, he cheated on me, he used me in humiliating scenarios in texts with other women, and he manipulated me.

…Until I had a major breakthrough and got out of that bizarre and twisted situation.

Even though I got out, the effects of having been there too long (even having been there at all) were in me. It was too late, I was going to have to deal with them. Some, like certain types of abuse triggers, didn’t even start coming up until more recently.

Since then, I’ve had a couple of relationships where I gained a renewed view of men, and learned a lot about myself. For one, I am capable of trusting.

The Desire to Trust vs. the Need to Justify the Pain

One of those relationships was with an amazing guy who treated me with great respect. Fights (really just disagreements and discussions) NEVER crossed lines, and I really appreciated rediscovering that not all men were abusive monsters.

Even so, after having been mistreated, cheated on and lied to so extensively, I periodically found myself wanting to sneak a peak at his phone so I could know for sure he was not acting inappropriately. I can honestly say, and he knows this as well, in my effort to be honest and transparent, that I never once gave in to that temptation. He never gave me any red flags. I had to trust that. He didn’t hide anything, he didn’t ever act suspicious, and he loved me.

While all of that helped tremendously, ultimately, my desire to have a healthy relationship built on trust was stronger than my need to have my pained past run the show. That right there is the hardest part and the first key.

Be Okay with Being Wrong

Do I know FOR SURE he didn’t do anything I would find questionable or inappropriate? No. But I have to trust in what I know of his character and how well he treated me, even if someday I find out I was wrong.

How can I be okay with that?

Because there is no other way.

This is the next key—be okay with being wrong. You can’t know everything. You have to trust. Trust your belief system, trust your business partners, trust your family and friends. Place trust where you need, and know that someday one (or more) of those may fail you, and be okay with that too.

Operate from the Empowered Place of “Choice”

Not too long ago, I attracted the attention of another man. This is coming up for me daily. His big thing is “being present” which is great, because it helps me take his lead and be more open and present as well. Every day I have to think about who I am, what I want, and eliminate the what ifs.

What if he’s manipulating me too? What if he’s got an ulterior motive? What if I’m stupid for trusting? What if? What if? What if?

I defer back to my desire to have something healthy and trust. I defer back to my peace with being wrong.

So, what if I do find out my fears are true? What if he is trying to manipulate me or does have an ulterior motive? What if I feel like an idiot for not catching on sooner?

Or what if it simply ends today with no explanation?

I don’t know what I don’t know. How can I? I am okay with that.

In any case, I can leave and deal with it. I’ll be sad for a minute then move on because I am approaching this from an empowered place of choice, rather than a needy place of trying to get him to fill a void within me.

If I want to be open to any healthy possibilities with him or anyone else, I have to trust. I have to trust my intuition, and the absence of red flags thus far. I have to be honest with myself if any concerns come up.

That’s trust in relationships, and the same exact keys apply in all other areas.

Trusting When Sales or MLMs are Involved

Just yesterday, an acquaintance on Facebook from high school messaged me with a link to an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing company) out of the blue.

How would you have reacted? Ignore it? Say, “No thanks, I’m not interested”? Roll your eyes and complain to other friends about the annoyances of people trying to sell you MLM products, services, and business opportunities?

I get it, my very first reaction was annoyed, but then I stepped back and thought, “No, she is a real person and so am I. I am going to treat her like a real person.” It only took an instant for that thought to come in and my decision to act on it changed everything within me on a dime. Already my own experience was better because I was suddenly not annoyed anymore. I made it about her and not me.

I was familiar with this particular MLM and I said something in all honestly to how I think it’s a great thing and cool for her to be spreading the word. We had a little conversation and she ended up asking me for tips, which surprised me. I told her I have a lot of tips for people trying to stretch and grow themselves and referred her to a free offering on my coaching web site, and when she noticed I am a DVSA survivor, she spoke up with gratitude about that as well.

In the end, I felt good that I attempted to live up to my purpose in life to bless others, even in the most basic sense of simply being kind.

A similar thing happened last week with another person. I had also reacted to her outreach person to person and ended up offering to interview her on Periscope since she’s local. I don’t know if she will take me up on that or not, but she is passionate about her product, its results and helping people, so that’s a great thing, right?! Of course it is.

My experience (see that—MY experience… we are each in control of how we experience circumstances, situations, and others) with people in MLMs is so much more pleasurable because I am being honest and treating them like real people. It takes the pressure off both of us.

I am not worried in the least about them “selling me” because, hey, we’re just having a conversation. I won’t buy or do anything I don’t want because I’m operating from that “empowered by choice” place, and I feel great, and they probably do to, having me not bring in preconceived notions (i.e. trust issues) about what they might be doing.

Start Learning to Trust Again

If you relate to these examples around trust or to the client, student, or follower examples from the opening, then set aside a little bit of time tonight.

Ask yourself these questions, then decide to embody the keys, summarized below.

  1. Why you are reacting this way?
  2. What benefit are you getting from not trusting?
    (Do not skip this one… no matter how awful something is, if we are continuing to allow it, it is because of some subconscious benefit to us, even if that benefit is something like “to keep me safe from getting hurt again” or “to keep me from success which is scarier to me than failure.”)
  3. What negative consequences are you experiencing from not trusting?
  4. Why you are willing to keep not trusting?
  5. What possibilities open up to you if you decide to trust?
    (Regardless of whether you later discover you were wrong.)

If you were really honest with yourself, I bet you discovered some insight you either didn’t know or wouldn’t admit prior to now. If not, ask yourself again or email me (Tanisha@TanishaMartin.com) to schedule a complimentary 15 minute session with me and I’ll help you raise your self-awareness.

Now what?

Take these keys to heart and reawaken your ability to trust:

  1. The desire to be healthy and trusting has to be stronger than the pain of the past.
  2. Be okay with being wrong.
  3. Operate from an empowered place of choice.
    (Rather than a place of needing to be filled. Rather than from a victim place of what others might do to you, whether break your heart or “try to sell” you.)
  4. Be honest with yourself.

If you are ready to really trust again, then this is the perfect time for you to get some extra support from me. My next Inner Circle coaching program starts soon, and you can still get the early bird rate. Check it out and register here: TanishaMartin.com/innercircle.

Reconnecting with Self – 1, Technology – 0

Confession time.

I have made a wonderful life for myself. I get to LIVE and WORK in the same fulfilling lifestyle practices that used to be “just a hobby.” I get to do Kung Fu, live it, teach it. I get to study Universal Law, live it, teach it.

But since experiencing and leaving my abusive marriage, dealing with the aftermath, and in the last year experiencing abuse triggers, and other challenges, I have developed a strong resistance to deeply connecting with myself.

Even though I teach and practice chi kung, Tai Chi, and other meditative practices regularly, I have subconsciously been careful to keep it towards the surface.

I have a hard time doing other activities that used to bring me so much fulfillment as well, like reading, creating art, and more.

This bothers me. I have noticed it, and have “wanted” to change it, but haven’t fully jumped in.

Even though this year I have started to revive my art in my down time and picked up a book every so often, my resistance has persisted, keeping me from truly getting back to that place of fully embracing and experiencing my deep self.

At the beginning and end of the day, the times in the past reserved for myself, to set my day up for success through meditation and gaining clarity, and the evening relaxation before a great night’s sleep, I might engage for a moment, then “save myself” from getting too connected with myself by turning to my Galaxy S4. I spent too much time checking email and my business and personal social media accounts, and playing logic and word games, which were easily “justified” because I have always enjoyed challenging my brain in that way in the past, but not at the expense of being one with myself and one with the Universe.

None of these activities are bad, but when I use them to avoid myself, it’s a big problem. Who can relate?

Not only have I been overusing technology, I have been completely aware that I have been doing to it avoid being present with myself.

…Until recently when my phone when on the fritz.

Technology Loses and I Win
(Thank You Universe!)

A couple of weeks ago, my Galaxy S4’s SIM card started disengaging, forcing me to restart my phone, and it became more and more of a problem. At the same time, my phone stopped charging, or would charge sporadically. I had to save my battery, so I could no longer use my phone to keep me away from myself.

So I took Napoleon Hill’s point to heart, where he mentions that opportunity often shows up as misfortune or temporary defeat. Yes, it seriously disrupts my business and ability to serve my clients to not have a fully functioning phone.

But my desire to fix my problem had grown. I had started making art again, and other activities, I just wasn’t consistent enough on a daily basis, so the Universe recognized my desire and gave me a little boost.

As I took steps, the Universe responded.

The first night without my phone, I was lost for a minute, but then in the spirit of fulfilling what I was asking of myself and the Universe, I got grounded. I gently climbed into bed, pulled my kitty close and just sat quietly, listening to the sound of the ceiling fan and Charlie’s purring.

After a few minutes of just “being,” I looked over at the dusty stack of books on the nightstand, and grabbed the top hardcover, a Christmas gift from a student last year. I had begun reading it right away last year and loved it! But couldn’t finish it due to that intense resistance to myself. I removed my bookmark and started over. Fresh. With my true self re-engaged.

Now I am a reading machine, just as I had been in years past! It’s never really about us changing, but about removing what isn’t us, and setting the real us free.

Between these amazing physical and Kindle books, spending more time reflecting and meditating, enjoying the outdoors, and knowing it is okay to reconnect, I am proving it is true. It’s a beautiful phase and one I hope never to lose again.

More Peace. More Productivity.

My experience, and similar experiences of some of my clients are the inspiration for the next Inner Circle group coaching program, where we create both greater self-connection and inner peace, while boosting our productivity in whatever responsibilities we have.

Peace often comes with thoughts of quiet, calm, and freedom, but we all too often let all of our responsibilities and stress about how we’re not as productive as we should be stop of for taking a moment to recharge so we actually can be more productive!

At the same time, the term “productivity” can bring a frantic visual to mind, due to its high energy requirement, so we don’t even really want it. We know we gotta, but we aren’t looking forward to it.

Enough is enough. We are going to take both of those aspects of life, and, as Bill Murray would say, “Kiss them on the neck,” and find that sweet spot where we’ve got both going on like a boss!

At the time of this posting, we’ve got an amazing pre-registration special, so go take a look at the program (it’s over the phone, so you can call in from anywhere!) and get in while the price is hot! TanishaMartin.com/innercircle