“Trust” has come up a lot lately, with clients, students, prospects, and with myself.
For example, one client recently had to face the fact she didn’t trust she could make major changes in her life, her health, her family, friend, and associate relationships, and in her business.
One student admitted she has a go-to response of skepticism and wondering what someone’s ulterior motive is.
One of my Periscope followers didn’t trust there could be a result other than failure if she tried to do something big, new, and powerful in her life.
Trust is “photobombing” my mind as I have some things going on in my life that are forcing me to face where I stand with it.
Does anyone not have trust issues? Has anyone not had their trust broken?
Romantic Trust Issues Are Like Every Other Trust Issue
Probably the biggest area for trust with me right now is with men and potential romantic interests.
A couple of months ago, I started receiving some male attention from about three people out of the blue in the same week. One I thought was platonic. One I thought was interested in me. One I had no idea if he was interested or not. It didn’t matter if I knew the motivation, just the idea that I was attracting new male attention of any kind was too much for me.
I literally laid in bed for two days depressed—I couldn’t handle the fear it evoked. Even with all of the personal development work I have done, it still got to me.
This is the power of broken trust when it is still lingering.
Remember, not that long ago, I was in a marriage with a guy who displayed multiple personality-type behavior—I quit counting at 150 personas, and one time he told me he was “more aware of it” than he let on, which means possibly HE, not some obscure personality sexually assaulted me, HE told me I was destroying him while in the next breath through another “personality” HE begged me to never give up on him, not to mention the other incidences which were already considered to have been done by the “main personality” anyway—he choked me, he cheated on me, he used me in humiliating scenarios in texts with other women, and he manipulated me.
…Until I had a major breakthrough and got out of that bizarre and twisted situation.
Even though I got out, the effects of having been there too long (even having been there at all) were in me. It was too late, I was going to have to deal with them. Some, like certain types of abuse triggers, didn’t even start coming up until more recently.
Since then, I’ve had a couple of relationships where I gained a renewed view of men, and learned a lot about myself. For one, I am capable of trusting.
The Desire to Trust vs. the Need to Justify the Pain
One of those relationships was with an amazing guy who treated me with great respect. Fights (really just disagreements and discussions) NEVER crossed lines, and I really appreciated rediscovering that not all men were abusive monsters.
Even so, after having been mistreated, cheated on and lied to so extensively, I periodically found myself wanting to sneak a peak at his phone so I could know for sure he was not acting inappropriately. I can honestly say, and he knows this as well, in my effort to be honest and transparent, that I never once gave in to that temptation. He never gave me any red flags. I had to trust that. He didn’t hide anything, he didn’t ever act suspicious, and he loved me.
While all of that helped tremendously, ultimately, my desire to have a healthy relationship built on trust was stronger than my need to have my pained past run the show. That right there is the hardest part and the first key.
Be Okay with Being Wrong
Do I know FOR SURE he didn’t do anything I would find questionable or inappropriate? No. But I have to trust in what I know of his character and how well he treated me, even if someday I find out I was wrong.
How can I be okay with that?
Because there is no other way.
This is the next key—be okay with being wrong. You can’t know everything. You have to trust. Trust your belief system, trust your business partners, trust your family and friends. Place trust where you need, and know that someday one (or more) of those may fail you, and be okay with that too.
Operate from the Empowered Place of “Choice”
Not too long ago, I attracted the attention of another man. This is coming up for me daily. His big thing is “being present” which is great, because it helps me take his lead and be more open and present as well. Every day I have to think about who I am, what I want, and eliminate the what ifs.
What if he’s manipulating me too? What if he’s got an ulterior motive? What if I’m stupid for trusting? What if? What if? What if?
I defer back to my desire to have something healthy and trust. I defer back to my peace with being wrong.
So, what if I do find out my fears are true? What if he is trying to manipulate me or does have an ulterior motive? What if I feel like an idiot for not catching on sooner?
Or what if it simply ends today with no explanation?
I don’t know what I don’t know. How can I? I am okay with that.
In any case, I can leave and deal with it. I’ll be sad for a minute then move on because I am approaching this from an empowered place of choice, rather than a needy place of trying to get him to fill a void within me.
If I want to be open to any healthy possibilities with him or anyone else, I have to trust. I have to trust my intuition, and the absence of red flags thus far. I have to be honest with myself if any concerns come up.
That’s trust in relationships, and the same exact keys apply in all other areas.
Trusting When Sales or MLMs are Involved
Just yesterday, an acquaintance on Facebook from high school messaged me with a link to an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing company) out of the blue.
How would you have reacted? Ignore it? Say, “No thanks, I’m not interested”? Roll your eyes and complain to other friends about the annoyances of people trying to sell you MLM products, services, and business opportunities?
I get it, my very first reaction was annoyed, but then I stepped back and thought, “No, she is a real person and so am I. I am going to treat her like a real person.” It only took an instant for that thought to come in and my decision to act on it changed everything within me on a dime. Already my own experience was better because I was suddenly not annoyed anymore. I made it about her and not me.
I was familiar with this particular MLM and I said something in all honestly to how I think it’s a great thing and cool for her to be spreading the word. We had a little conversation and she ended up asking me for tips, which surprised me. I told her I have a lot of tips for people trying to stretch and grow themselves and referred her to a free offering on my coaching web site, and when she noticed I am a DVSA survivor, she spoke up with gratitude about that as well.
In the end, I felt good that I attempted to live up to my purpose in life to bless others, even in the most basic sense of simply being kind.
A similar thing happened last week with another person. I had also reacted to her outreach person to person and ended up offering to interview her on Periscope since she’s local. I don’t know if she will take me up on that or not, but she is passionate about her product, its results and helping people, so that’s a great thing, right?! Of course it is.
My experience (see that—MY experience… we are each in control of how we experience circumstances, situations, and others) with people in MLMs is so much more pleasurable because I am being honest and treating them like real people. It takes the pressure off both of us.
I am not worried in the least about them “selling me” because, hey, we’re just having a conversation. I won’t buy or do anything I don’t want because I’m operating from that “empowered by choice” place, and I feel great, and they probably do to, having me not bring in preconceived notions (i.e. trust issues) about what they might be doing.
Start Learning to Trust Again
If you relate to these examples around trust or to the client, student, or follower examples from the opening, then set aside a little bit of time tonight.
Ask yourself these questions, then decide to embody the keys, summarized below.
- Why you are reacting this way?
- What benefit are you getting from not trusting?
(Do not skip this one… no matter how awful something is, if we are continuing to allow it, it is because of some subconscious benefit to us, even if that benefit is something like “to keep me safe from getting hurt again” or “to keep me from success which is scarier to me than failure.”)
- What negative consequences are you experiencing from not trusting?
- Why you are willing to keep not trusting?
- What possibilities open up to you if you decide to trust?
(Regardless of whether you later discover you were wrong.)
If you were really honest with yourself, I bet you discovered some insight you either didn’t know or wouldn’t admit prior to now. If not, ask yourself again or email me (Tanisha@TanishaMartin.com) to schedule a complimentary 15 minute session with me and I’ll help you raise your self-awareness.
Take these keys to heart and reawaken your ability to trust:
- The desire to be healthy and trusting has to be stronger than the pain of the past.
- Be okay with being wrong.
- Operate from an empowered place of choice.
(Rather than a place of needing to be filled. Rather than from a victim place of what others might do to you, whether break your heart or “try to sell” you.)
- Be honest with yourself.
If you are ready to really trust again, then this is the perfect time for you to get some extra support from me. My next Inner Circle coaching program starts soon, and you can still get the early bird rate. Check it out and register here: TanishaMartin.com/innercircle.