Category Archives: Books of Supreme Awesomeness

Don’t Get Mad, Get Empathy

When Being Yourself Hurts…

About three years ago I introduced my BFF to my favorite food, Indian buffet and since then, we have gone almost every week, with some exceptions.

Two weeks ago, we were sharing stories of struggle and triumph over vegetable korma and naan bread, then I said something that set him off.

To be clear, him “getting set of” just means he got on the defensive and said something that hurt my feelings. He doesn’t attack me verbally or otherwise, and if we get heated, he never crosses a line into name-calling, crazy accusations, or things he can’t take back. It’s pretty mild. It hurts, like any misunderstanding between friends, but we fix it and it’s over.

In the moment, though, it feels crappy, hurtful, mean, and I wonder if I can really trust him with my true self and my feelings.

We weren’t getting anywhere so we stopped talking and I wiped my tears and got up to get more food. When I returned, he told me why he thought he was upset. I understood his reasoning, but it didn’t compute with my reality and how hurtful what he had said to me really was, so I disagreed.

The Filter of “The Book of Law”

Then I remembered something I’ve been helping my clients become more aware of within themselves in order to better their own experiences in life…

Every person thinks, speaks, and acts based on their own filter created by the “Book of Law,” as Don Miguel Ruiz calls it in “The 4 Agreements,” that was programmed into them as a child and reinforced through the fact that every experience must validate that rule book, even if in your mind you know there is another perspective.

I looked at my friend’s handsome, uncharacteristically somber face and quickly gathered some facts I know about him in order to imagine what filter he may have been experiencing my original statement through.

Instantly, I was snapped out of my own hurt feelings and gained empathy for him. Whether I was right or wrong in my “guess” about why it bothered him so much didn’t matter, because I had come up with a scenario in which I could actually understand why he would react and in turn hurt my feelings.

(Variations of this skill can also be used to have empathy for an abuser, which kept me stuck in a harmful marriage—the key is to know when to use it and know when to walk away for the greater good. That is a topic for another time. To be clear, this is not an abusive situation, this is a misunderstanding among friends—no two people are coming from exactly the same perspective, so these things happen!)

I asked him, “When I said X, did it feel like Y to you? Is that why it bothered you?”

He thought for half a second, and confirmed.

I asked, “Okay, so you’re not upset I brought it up, it’s more in the way I said it, and had I said it this other way it would have felt different to you?”

He agreed again.

2-for-2—It Works Again

Earlier this week, I was talking to a family member who knows some private but pertinent information that led to my entire life turning upside-down. I am hurt and can’t understand why this person isn’t as affected by this information as I was. They are supportive of me, but clearly can’t understand where I’m coming from.

I remembered I had just had a great experience turning my hurt feelings around with my BFF, so I tried it again.

I merely took a moment to realize from that person’s perspective, they simply cannot afford to imagine a piece of information that conflicts with other information they have, which they firmly believe through undeniable means.

I was actually in that exact same boat, with the same former information, and with my own undeniable reasons to stick with it. However, when the new information was presented to me, it came directly from a person involved, a friend of mine… This personal connection FORCED me to look at the information, even though it created a conflict of two “truths” that can’t coexist, which fueled a living hell for me for a time.

My family member wasn’t told directly by my friend. They don’t even know my friend. So to my family member, it’s far enough removed they can ignore it. I can’t.

I can, however, put aside my own hurt feelings about my family member, because I understand their perspective—I would have reacted the exact same way just a few years ago.

Stepping into their “Book of Law filter” helped me to realize that it’s not about me, or them slighting me, or them not understanding me… It’s about them not being able to fathom this new information that conflicts with other information they would live and die for. And that’s it. No need for me to be hurt.

Even if I’m ever wrong in these filters I’m trying to uncover, the act of trying to come up with why their perspective would make sense, even if I still disagree, makes me feel better, and turns my sadness, pain, or anger into empathy and I’m over it!

It is that simple. At the very least it helps.

We talked more about the Book of Law in the context of being your own, authentic, real self without fear of judgment of others recently—download the Shine Without Fear audio here.

And if you’ve been wanting to change your Book of Law filter so you can make some big leaps, you might be looking for my Inner Circle: Ultimate Breakthrough program.

 

 

Book: Mastering the Massive Cash Injection

Mastering the Massive Cash Injection ~ David Neagle

Watch this short 3-minute video to learn why the Law of Polarity is my best friend whenever fear, doubt, or worry creep in to try to keep me from achieving my next goal.

Get your copy of Mastering the Massive Cash Injection here. (On the same page, you’ll see how to get a free Kindle reader for your devices as well.)

To achieve your goals with individual guidance, consider joining my next Inner Circle group coaching program!

(This is the last time the program will be offered at 2014 prices.)

Two Breaths Away from Calm

Breathe.

BuddhaYou only have a few minutes at the most to even live without taking a fresh breath. It shouldn’t be that surprising that breathing can mean so much more for you than mere survival.

As a 5th degree black belt Associate Master in traditional Shao-Lin kung fu, I’m no stranger to breathing and meditation, and neither are my wonderful students. There are so many aspects to it, it may seem a little abstract at first, but once you start to experience the effects, you realize it’s an amazing practice that brings real results, and there is a lifetime to learn and improve in the practice as well!

One of my students loaned me his book Living Buddha, Living Christ. He has been studying Buddhism, and I am a Christian. The author, Thich Nhat Hanh, draws many correlations between the teachings of the two religious icons and the ultimate goal of love and enlightenment.

I love this technique shared by the author, and just had to share it with you, as anyone can benefit from it at any time, even without other knowledge, study, or experience in breathing and meditation.

Conscious breathing is the most basic Buddhist practice for touching peace. I would like to offer you this short exercise:

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.

Lightly touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth, inhale through the nose, and exhale through the mouth. As you think of the words in the exercise above, breathe in for the first and third lines, and out for the second and fourth, thus completing two breaths.

Take a moment and focus on this three to five times daily, or once an hour, or however often you will commit to being conscious about your peace.

Enjoy your oneness with yourself and the Universe!

Grow a Pair

Grow a Pair: How to Stop Being a Victim and Take Back Your Life, Your Business, and Your Sanity ~ Larry Winget

If you are in business or want to get ahead in your own life, you most definitely need to grow and live by a well-developed “pair.”

A pair obviously means balls. But don’t be sophomoric and turn this into some grade school sexual thing. … I’m talking about mental balls. …

Growing a pair is a state of mind, an attitude, and a way of thinking. It’s about giving up being a victim and taking control of your life at every level. It is the willingness to do the right thing even when everyone else is doing the wrong thing. It has roots in personal responsibility, accountability, confidence, and integrity.

The Pitbull of Personal Development® and New York Times Bestselling Author hits the nail on the head with this no-holds barred, in your face, gold mine of truth. He is not devoid of compassion, but he knows “there, there” and coddling don’t get you off your pity train and onto the fast track to your best life.

It’s a fast read, full of guidance for growing a pair around just about everything from money, dealing with people, strangers, employees, business associates, and your own self. Get it at your local bookstore or here at Amazon and get ready to drop your drama and step up to the plate for a home-run every time!